


Paper flowers

by Follow (Scheska)



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Drama, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-18 23:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2366471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scheska/pseuds/Follow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[...]Coming back home started smelling like those flowers, and then the flowers started smelling like home[...]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. At the back of the mind

**Author's Note:**

> \- I wrote this one in an inspirational outburst, then took my time going all over it again to make sense out of the mess of words... It still might have some loose strands, typos and the sorts. I hope not many.
> 
> \- There's some language, I don't remember how bad it is.
> 
> \- As always, there's a tiny introduction before the proper story.
> 
> \- English is not my first language.

He's tired, exhausted, drained, frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious, dizzy, aching, weak.

They won't help, they won't stop, they won't relent. They keep shouting, they keep blaming, they keep pushing, they keep pulling.

Time doesn't stop, people won't listen, luck doesn't come.

Sunggyu is at the edge, he's asphixiating, he's hurting all over and he's raging inside. His chest hurts badly, and his breathing becomes heavy and unstable, the beating of his heart picks up and his head starts spinning.

But they don't notice. They shout and argue and then Sunggyu falls. He blacks out with the curses in his ears, with the pain in his chest, with the frustration in his stomach, with depression in his heart.

And many faces to take with him into the darkness. 


	2. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- This is the last of my finished fics I'm moving here, so I'll probably be unlocking the rest of them as soon as I finish posting it. Then I'll go with the unfinished one... Sometime in the near future, I suppose.
> 
> \- Details... Keep an eye on those little fellows, they might help you later on. 
> 
> \- Have a bit of extra patience in your pocket, just in case.

Sunggyu woke up startled, gasping for air and damp in sweat. He felt tense, slightly nauseous and agitated. There were pieces of words and feelings hanging from his mouth and mind, an unwelcome pressure in his gut. He blinked into darkness, the silence around him calming his fumbling thoughts and mouthfuls of air soothing his burning lungs. The awakening was still confusing him a little when a light shift near him freaked him out of the daze. Then he felt the warm arm draped over his middle tighten and a reassuring weight pressing to his side. He sighed long and heavy and dropped back to the pillow.

“Damn” he breathed out, trying to get rid of the heavy feeling in his stomach “Stupid nightmare” he turned his head to the side and smiled softly when the smell of child’s shampoo flooded his nostrils “You silly guy” he chuckled, and then relaxed to go back to sleep.

 

* * *

“Yeah, I felt you squirming in your sleep, you looked really distressed” the other said, putting a mug filled with hot coffee in front of him.

“Well, thank you for waking me up then” he answered with mock sweetness.

“I tried, but I was half asleep myself so…” the man mumbled with an apologetic shrug.

“Meh, never mind”

“What was it about?”

“Uh…” he scrunched his nose in thought, trying to remember as the soft clang of a plate placed on the table told him he could start eating “I’m not sure” he finally shrugged, picking up the mug with one hand, and a toast with the other.

“Don’t remember?”

“I kind of do, but… Just not clearly” he mumbled through a big bite of toast.

“Yeah, well, that’s nightmares for you, sneaky bitches”

“I remember I was really stressed out, like _really._ Kind of about to lose my freaking mind or puke my guts or something” he frowned, almost feeling the oppressive weight and the nerves "And there was a lot of people yelling at me and at each other, and little time to do a lot of things and nothing was working right and-” he sighed “It felt really… frustrating”

“Mh, are you having trouble at work?”

“No, things are going actually really smooth” he said as he sipped at the warm coffee, breathing deeply and smiling at the rich scent.

“Fought with someone?”

“No… Or at least not that I’m aware of” he shrugged.

The man across of him laughed and shook his head “That’s no definite sign, sadly”

“Not my fault people cannot communicate their issues properly”

“Or maybe it’s you who can’t perceive when someone is royally pissed off at you”

“Nah” he dismissed with a wave of his hand “They have a problem, they tell me, I’m no mind reader”

The other hummed and pressed his hands around his own mug “You know, there’s this thing called body language-“

“Oh, shut it” he groaned, his mouth quirking in a little smile though.

The other chuckled slightly and smiled back “Seriously, though, you need to pay more attention”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll see to it”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m your coworker” the other laughed, kicking his leg under the table.

“Then drop it. I’ve survived almost thirty years oblivious, I can survive some more”

“Let’s hope many?”

“Yeah, I suppose”

“Let’s hope your job?”

“Hey, I do my job just fine, ask my boss”

“I’m actually implying your coworkers might try to get rid of you”

“Nah, they like me…” he lifted the mug to his lips and shrugged “Deep down”

Twenty minutes later they were at the door of their apartment, Sunggyu was suited up and ready to go, bag in his hand and car keys dangling from his fingers. He pulled at his tie to fix it for the nth time and turned around.

“You sure you don’t want me to give you a lift?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I think I’m having a lazy Monday”

“When don’t you?” he chuckled, earning a soft slap to his stomach “All right, then. I’m off. See you tonight”

“Sure thing. Drive safe”

“Will do” he nodded, leaning closer to place a soft kiss to the other’s forehead “And stop using that damned shampoo, it’s meant for children”

“But it smells really nice”

“You’re an idiot” he laughed as he walked out, barely avoiding a flying hand to his head “Bye!” he called over his shoulder as he hurried down the corridor, the voice of his partner answering in an amused tone.

The day seemed to promise a calm progress, the drive to work had been smooth and uneventful, the office was murmuring with the quiet sound of diligent work, and the awaiting papers and mails were even few. He sighed contentedly as he stretched his back on his chair, lifting his arms above his head and letting his brain get ready to start. _Nice Monday_ , he thought, _let it be a nice Monday_.

At lunch time, a head peaked from the door and into his peripheral vision. He still focused on the mail he was writing, wanting to get rid of it as soon as possible.

“Hey, Sunggyu” he heard the tentative voice. He hummed in answer, still speed typing the long explicative mail “You coming out for lunch?” he was asked. He paused a second or two, his fingers hovering over the keyboard and twitching slightly to keep on going. Then he just grunted an affirmative and nodded curtly before resuming the writing “Ok, we’re out in 15’”

“Got it” he mumbled in response, noticing the head disappearing.

Once he was done, he revised the mail and corrected some parts, softening his words and rephrasing some parts he knew sounded a little too harsh. Then he punched it sent and sighed, rolling his neck until it popped loudly, then got up from his chair to walk out to the guys waiting near the stairs for him.

They went to the little café they frequented and occupied the same table they always used, already chattering distended and tuning off the work related topics for a while.

“Dense morning, man?”

“What?” Sunggyu looked up from his plate, his cheeks full and shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows “My morning?” he got a nod in answer “Nah, not really” he shrugged “Just a few dense people, but for the rest of it, it was pretty good”

“Oh, I think I know who you’re speaking of?” Howon chuckled lightly “You still struggling with those guys?”

He nodded, while the third man tilted his head in curiosity “Wait, who?”

“Some stubborn guys across the ocean” Howon provided for him, as he was still happily munching.    

“Oh, wait, the same ones that rejected your approvals last week?”

He couldn’t help to scoff derisively “Yeah, those” he leaned back against the chair and shook his head “They don’t understand what the fuck I’m doing and they still have the nerve to question the way I work. What the fuck?”

“Yeah well, that's our brand new working system” Howon said in a snarl, shaking his head with a grimace.

“They don’t bother me too much” the other said with a shrug and a smile.

“Shut it, enjoy your luck while it lasts” Sunggyu bit back “If you get that promotion you’ll start suffering these pricks just like us”

“Yeah, we’ll see how much _pacifist Jang_ can endure before flipping the table over these people” Howon drawled.

Sunggyu snickered as the other man cackled good-naturedly “We can make a support group” the guy offered still laughing.

“What do you think we’re doing right now?” he asked with a twist of his mouth.

“Anyway, besides _that,_ ” Howon pointed out “things are going pretty nicely, huh?”

“Ah, yeah” a happy sigh from Dongwoo “Finally”

“Goddamit, yes!” Sunggyu ran a hand through his dark hair “Months dragging that mess and it's finally done!”

They jokingly high-fived each other and went back to idle chat until they had to go back to the office.

“Are you going to the reunion this Friday?” Howon asked him as they walked back.

“Friday?” he asked before remembering the extra official gathering of their department “Oh, yes, count me in”

“Yeah!”

“I told you he’d come” Howon said confidently.

“What?” he asked raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, nothing. Dongwoo thought you’d have something planned back home”

“What? Why?”

“Oh, you know, as _someone_ ’s birthday is approaching and all” the man shrugged.

Sunggyu blinked stupidly a few times and then let out a little ‘oh’. Dongwoo started laughing again as Howon rubbed his eyes with a barely held grin in his face.

“Seriously man” his friend said.

“Well, I don’t have the best of memories, you know that!” he said defensively “And it’s ok, I had thought about it beforehand anyway, just forgot it was so close”

“So? You coming or not?”

“Yeah, I planned for the Saturday anyway” he shrugged as they re-entered the building.

“Oh my, look at this, he’s _actually_ got it sorted out!”

“Shut it” he mumbled “Get back to work you dorks!”

“Yes sir!” Dongwoo mock saluted.

“I swear if someday you become my boss I’ll quit” Howon muttered as he shook his head.

“We all would” he said honestly “We’d kill each other otherwise”

“I don’t doubt it”

“Okay, guys, there’s a _load_ of papers pilling up on my desk, I see!” Dongwoo said lightly as he looked towards his work place and, indeed, there was a woman placing a distressingly tall pile of paper besides his computer “Time to get back to work!” he chirped, though the annoyance was quite clear in his voice.

The other two chuckled and wished him luck before continuing to their places.

By six thirty, Sunggyu was shutting down his computer and tidying up his desk. He stood and looked around, picking up his coat and bag and heading out. There was something bothering him, as if he were forgetting about something important, but nothing would come to mind even if he re checked around him and over the desk.

“Leaving already?” Cho, the security guard, asked when he walked to the main door.

“Uh, yeah, I guess” he shrugged.

“And you’re not taking the computer with you?”

“I… No, I don’t think I need to”

“Oh, dear, what a miraculous day you’re having”

“I know right?” he smiled honestly “Well then, see you tomorrow!”

He got an amused reply as he walked out and swiftly strolled to the parking lot. He could hardly believe he was having such a light Monday himself, but he was not going to fight it. _I_ _’_ _ll be home before eight? Oh dear, I could make dinner myself and all._ He mused to himself as he started the car and maneuvered it out and onto the busy streets.

The apartment received him dark and quiet. He switched the lights on and dropped his bag on the couch, followed by his coat. He checked the kitchen and the bedroom, but, as he expected, it was empty. He had not only gotten off work earlier than usual and with no work to take home, but he had arrived first even. He looked at the clock and hummed, it was almost seven thirty.

“I guess I could really start dinner myself for a change?” he wondered out loud.

He was at a loss for a few moments, absentmindedly rummaging the fridge and the cupboards in search for ideas. Then he felt the urge to eat stew and started to look for the things he needed, cheering in triumph when he found pretty much all.

Too happy to endure cooking in silence, he put some music as he started, gradually raising the volume as the songs he liked came up. By the time he was stirring the stew over the fire, fluffy slippers on his feet and an apron over his shirt, he was singing loudly along the lyrics of the song that filled the whole apartment. He was in the middle of a long note when a pair of arms sneaked around his waist, earning a sharp yelp and a little splatter of sauce over the kitchen.

“Hey” the deep voice accompanied the weight of a head over his shoulder.

“Damn it, Hyun, you freaking startled me” he sighed.

“Noticed” the other chuckled, wiping a finger over his cheek to clean a drop of sauce.

“You’re late”

“Yeah, got held back by a few parents” he groaned burying his face in Sunggyu’s neck.

“Trouble?”

“Nah, not really” he looked up again “Just had to have a few words with them, you know the inter-school festival that’s coming up”

“Oh, are your kids performing?”

“Yeah” he could hear the grin in the man’s voice “They’re really excited about it”

“I bet” he smiled too.

“I thought I was going to have to call for pizza or something”

He laughed silently and turned his head to kiss the other’s cheek loudly “Well, no need”

“How long has it been since you cooked dinner?”

“I have no idea”

“Good day, I take?”

“Yes, surprisingly, I was out of the office before seven”

“Oh my” Woohyun patted his sides “The planets have aligned!”

“Exactly”

“Well, all the better, I could totally get used to come home and find you cooking and singing like there’s no tomorrow. Definitely”

“Shut it and go set the table” he chuckled.

They ate distended and conversing lazily. The music was still going but the volume had been lowered considerably, so the only sounds echoing through the apartment were the gentle clattering of plates and glasses, the murmur of a melody and their voices.

Sunggyu relished in the lack of rush, in the lack of work after dinner, in the lack of worries for the night, in the lack of contact with anyone but the man sitting across from him and to whom he could now dedicate his attention fully. He stretched his legs under the table and bumped his calves with Woohyun’s, earning a little push back and a smile.

“It was really good” the man said, leaning back into his chair and sighing contentedly.

“And why do you sound so surprised?” Woohyun laughed and shook his head “I mean, I’ve been watching you cook for years now, I _had_ to pick up something, right?”

“Come on, give yourself some credit”

“Oh, I do” he said as he reached for his glass “But it’s still not as good as yours”

“Are you fishing for compliments here?”

“Me? You should know better than that”

“Right” the other drawled with half a smile “It _was_ really good anyway”

“Well thanks” he smiled into his glass.

“Can I expect more of your cooking… During this week maybe?”

“I don’t know” he tilted his head slightly “I wouldn’t bet too much on it, but maybe, if things keep calm at work”

“I hope so” Woohyun smiled at him.

With the prospect of freedom for the rest of the night, a shower and flopping down in the couch was the next thing in their agendas. The dishes had been cleared up and cleaned quickly so they could make the most of their time. With his hair still wet and his pajamas consisting in sweat pants and a worn grey t-shirt, Sunggyu busied himself with making tea for the two of them while Woohyun, dressed in a similar fashion, picked a movie to watch. He walked to the couch and placed two mugs of steaming tea on the low table before sitting beside Woohyun, who was already comfortable against the back and holding the remote towards the tv. Sunggyu snuggled pleasantly to the other man’s side and propped his sock clad feet up the table, careful not to drop the tea. Woohyun wrapped his arm over his shoulders and gave play to the movie.

At some point, he dozed off, lukewarm and almost empty ceramic in his hands and his back sinking in the couch, his head on Woohyun’s shoulder and the low rumor of the movie filling the room. The other woke him up when the credits started rolling up, looking quite sleepy himself as he turned off the tv, and they padded toward the room, empty mugs left on the coffee table.

With the taste of the mint toothpaste still prickling in his mouth, he walked into the dark bedroom and crawled into the thick covers of the bed, sighing contentedly when he found the warmth of the other man and latching onto him.

A deep rumbling chuckle sounded in the dark “You cold?”

“Kind of…” he mumbled sleepily.

Woohyun hugged him back with a satisfied little grunt and silence enveloped them for a few still seconds. Sunggyu breathed deeply and tilted his head back to drop a little kiss to the other’s nose “G’night” he mumbled, earning a peck to his lips “And stop using that damned shampoo” he added, earning soft laugh and a kick under the sheets.

 

* * *

There’s pain again. It nestles inside him, boiling in his gut and pulling at his skin, beating inside his head and making his whole body shake. He can’t open his eyes, or he just can’t see. He feels asphyxiated and burning hot, sticky and disgustingly sweaty. There are distant voices, he feels something touching him, and it bothers him. His skin is way too tense and bruised, and it hurts with every little touch and push, he tries to move away but all he manages is to hurt even more.

He tries to open his eyes but his eyelids seem to weigh a ton. Something brushes down his face and it gives him a moment of panicked lack of air. He inhales deeply, but cannot bring air to his lungs. His chest is hurting sharply, and his heart is beating way too rashly, he can feel the pulse in his fingertips, in his chest and in his head.

There’s a lot of noise around him, some deep and drowned, others shrilling and annoying, voices and sounds, words are lost and mixed up. He can’t make out anything besides just noise, a lot of noise that drills into his head and messes up his thoughts.

He’s moving, something’s moving him, and the pain in his chest sharpens frighteningly. He gasps for air and feels a shake run from his head to his toes and cold flood like water in his veins. It gets hard to breathe; it gets painful to do so. Now he feels hands and yells around and it all presses down to his fear. He tries to breathe less, but it still hurts, then he can’t push the air inside…

He doesn’t know when he stopped feeling, but the next thing he perceives is an oppressive weight on his chest, his throat is tight and weird and he feels exhausted just by inhaling. His body tingles strangely and there’s cold again. He’s not sure if he’s breathing anymore, he feels little to nothing besides shivers and weird, distorted sounds.

He startles violently when something holds his face suddenly, a familiar but unpleasant smell hitting him hard and all the pain comes back as if awaken all of a sudden. He chokes on a whimper and feels his limbs trash around…

 

* * *

He jerked violently and opened his eyes wide to darkness. A warm hand was on his face and a soft voice called for him. He breathed out shakily and blinked his eyes rapidly. The light filtered inside the room through the window curtains.

“Gyu…” Woohyun’s voice soothed the tremors in his head and he sighed heavily “You ok?”

“Wha…?” he swallowed and tried to coordinate his mind with his body “I… Yeah, just a nightmare”

“Yes, I noticed” the other’s hand started brushing over his cheek softly, then moved the hair from his forehead “You’re sweating” he hummed in response, still trying to settle down his heartbeat “Want to tell me?”

“No… it wasn’t… It’s ok, Hyun, don’t worry”

“Ok” the other mumbled, his hand still running through his hair while the other rubbed his arm “Sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah… Just crazy shit again” he breathed out, nuzzling his face in Woohyun’s neck and inhaling greedily at the scent of shampoo and soap to calm his nerves.

Woohyun hugged him tightly and rubbed his back soothingly “It’s ok, go back to sleep, we still have a few hours”

He groaned in protest and let himself fall asleep again.

 


	3. II

Tuesday was as peaceful as the previous day. Sunggyu was trying not to get used to it, but it was too easy to fall accustomed to comfortable things, no matter how fleeting. When he left the office at exactly 18:36, according to his phone, he felt almost guilty for taking off. He shrugged it off soon enough and approached his car.

“Isn’t this eerie for you too?” he heard Howon call from behind. He turned around and hummed in question “I mean, it’s all so easy”

“Oh, that” he tilted his head and twisted his lips a little “It is indeed, but who am I to complain, right?”

“Well, I’m not planning on going against it either” the other smirked “Just hope it doesn’t end up bringing something worse for later”

“Don’t even say it man!”

Howon laughed easily and fell beside him as he reached his car “So, what is it that you planned for this weekend?” he asked with a mischievous tone.

“And how is that any of your business, I wonder?”

“Come on! A man has curiosity”

“Well, sorry to disappoint, but it’s nothing over the top. Simplicity however you look at it”

“Sometimes simple is the best to go for”

“I hope so”

“You think it’s not this time?”

“Who knows?” he played with the car keys as he leaned against the driver’s door “You know he likes cheesy crap and the like, and I absolutely do not”

“Yes, but I also guess that after years of being together you sorta evened those differences”

“Nah, he’s still a hopeless romantic and I’m still an old pickle”

Howon snapped his head around, his eyebrows twisted in confusion “A what?”

“An old pickle” Sunggyu repeated as if it would clarify everything.

“Oh… right”

“But well, I hope the little things are still enough for him”

“Hey, he’s still putting up with you”

“Yup” he smiled goofily.

“Ok, whatever, you're going straight home, I suppose”

“Yes, is there any other offer on the table?”

“Not if Dongwoo doesn’t come out soon, no”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen, I saw him as I walked out, long day for him”

“Ah, well, too bad” he shrugged dismissively “I got a message from Yeol a moment ago”

“Really?” his eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Seems like they back in the country”

“For real? Awesome! How long are they staying?”

“Until next week”

“Ah, we need to get together before then!”

“That’s why I was going to ask you, as we are having some extra time, but Dongwoo is still locked up in there”

“Well, we could try during the week?”

“Yeah, I’ll ask him if they have it free. He told me they had just arrived and had the day for themselves”

“Oh” he remained quiet for a little moment and then turned to the other man “Hey, wait, hey”

“What?”

“What about this Saturday?”

“But you told me you had plans?”

“Yeah, well, ‘plans’ is a way to put it” he shrugged “I think it’ll be even better if we gather all together, you know?”

“You mean the seven of us?”

“Yeah”

“Yeah, that could work” he glanced sideways to Sunggyu “You sure you want to dismiss your private night?”

“Sure, it wasn’t all that great anyway. I think having the guys all together, especially now that the two idiots are coincidentally back, would make him pretty damn happy”

Howon hummed in approval “So how are you going about it? Telling him or keep secret that they’re back?”

“I think I’ll just keep the whole thing a secret”

“Oh!” the other laughed “Surprise party?”

“Huh” Sunggyu nodded to himself “Yeah, could be. What do you think?”

“Totally, man! He’ll freaking love it!”

“It’s settled then!” he smiled and clapped his hands together.

“Well then, I’ll head home” Howon said as he stretched his back with a groan and breathed out with a smile “Man, week’s looking good!”

“It is!” he smiled back “See you tomorrow Howon” he patted his friend’s back and watched him walk away as he opened his car and got in.

Just as he was walking to his home’s door, a message sounded in his phone. He read it as he opened the door, a distracted ‘ _I’m home_ ’ thrown in as he closed behind him.

_From: Myungsoo_

_Hoya told us your plans for Hyun’s birthday. Why did you think we came back for anyway? But don’t worry, we’ll stay in the shadows until then ;)_

“Hey” Woohyun walked out from the kitchen with a smile in his face “You’re early again!”

“Yup, I am” he looked up just in time to get his ‘ _welcome home_ ’ kiss.

He took his things to the bedroom while replying one-handedly.

_To: Myungsoo_

_Well excuse me but you weren_ _’_ _t here for MY birthday last year! :(_

The answer was almost immediate.

_From: Myungsoo_

_We were stupidly busy, you know that! D: But we’re planning things a lot better now, we WILL be there this time, promise! :)_

He chuckled and sent a short reply as he walked back tie-less and wearing his slippers, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up and the top buttons undone. He found Woohyun sitting in the kitchen, a book in his hands and his feet bare, so he took the newspaper from the table and set to do the puzzles.

Minutes rolled easily, the flutter of paper soft and even and their minds at ease. He had one of the crosswords done and was fumbling with the pen in between his lips trying to solve the damned Sudoku he never got right. He hated the stupid thing, but gave it a try anyway. A soft poke to his feet made him raise his eyes from the messy numbers and found Woohyun looking at him, amused. He blinked the frown away and raised his eyebrows in question, but the other man simply smiled and shook his head at him.

“We should start dinner, don’t you think?”

He looked up at the clock and dropped his hands to his lap “Oh, look at the time”

“Yes, come on, you’re helping me tonight”

“That usually means I have to wash vegetables and watch over the boiling water” he groaned, refusing to get up.

Woohyun’s arms wrapped around his neck from behind him, and his face pressed softly to his cheek “But I bought things to make lasagna” he mumbled against him.

That had him scrambling to his feet, pulling Woohyun along and almost pushing the chair to the floor in the process “Oh, yes! Tell me what to do!”

The other laughed before holding his face and giving a loud and wet smooch.

He managed to burn some onions and his hand, but other than that, he did a good performance, and was more than pleased to set the finished dish on their table and finally eat the damned thing. Woohyun told him about all the trouble the directives were giving him with the festival, favoring the sports departments over the art department and hindering the already complicated preparations. He seemed pretty ruffled about it, even hitting the plate with his fork and making bits of lasagna filling fly around and up to his nose. Sunggyu could not stop the laugh and tried to comfort the nearly pouting man while shaking with chuckles.

“Don’t laugh, do I laugh at you when you come fuming from work?” Woohyun asked with no real heat.

“Actually, you do”

“Yes, I do, ok, pass me the napkin, please” he mumbled, trying to clean his face and the table near him.

“Don’t fret so early in the game, Hyun, there’s still time for that”

“There are a lot of things to get done!” he still complained.

“You told me you were ahead of schedule”

“Yeah, well, but this is still bothersome”

“I know it must be, but don’t let it get to you so much. You know what will happen in the end, right?”

“Yeah, we’ll make it on time and with flying colors while Choi will end up with his team lacking members and making fools of themselves”

“Exactly, I’m pretty sure that’s why the directives are favoring his project”

“I guess” he let out a high pitched breath of mild satisfaction and smiled up at him “What are we doing this weekend?”

“Huh?” he widened his eyes a little and then shrugged nonchalantly “Dunno, what do you want to do?”

The other pursued his mouth in displeasure for a moment and then grinned again, poking his let with his feet under the table “Nothing”

Sunggyu stared at him blankly before raising a single eyebrow “Yeah, right” he scoffed “Come on, I might not be the best Romeo out there, but give me something to work with at least”

Woohyun chuckled and shook his head, the smile never leaving his face as he just stared at him “We can just stay here, or do something simple, Gyu, I honestly don’t mind”

Sunggyu was about to protest again, but then decided to let it slip for the moment. He huffed a little and stood up to take his plate “Don’t go regretting it later” he said as a joking dismissal, trying to keep the big grin a bay.

An hour later the apartment was dark and still, the only light coming from the tv in the bedroom. There was a re run of an old comedy, and it was probably the fifth time they saw that episode. Sunggyu wasn’t really paying attention to it, though, more focused on the foot running up and down his calf and the fingers brushing shapes under his soft t-shirt. He tightened his arms around Woohyun, whose head rested on Sunggyu’s chest, and sighed contentedly. Maybe he should just turn off the TV and try to sleep… Then the fingers pressed a bit more and became a full hand running up and down with deliberate detail. A pair of really warm lips pressed to his neck and the foot turned into a leg tangling with his own.

He all but grunted pleasantly, turning slightly on his side and letting Woohyun’s hand roam anywhere he wanted under the thin fabric of the t-shirt. He enjoyed the feel of the other’s mouth on his neck for a while until he dipped his head and found the pair of plump lips with his own, pressing a heavy and long kiss before opening his eyes.

“You looking for something?” he asked in a low tone.

Woohyun breathed a little laugh and inched even closer “I think I lost something around here, yeah” he drawled with a smile as his hands slid all over Sunggyu’s back and to his sides.

“You sure it’s in there?” he stifled a snicker and squirmed slightly under the other’s fingers as his ticklish skin was taunted.

He saw Woohyun smile widely and then bit his lip, then lean forward again and catch him into another kiss, urgent with want. Sunggyu let himself get lost in it, breathing heavily though his nose as it deepened and transmitted the heat to the rest of their bodies. His hands started a work on their own, finding purchase on Woohyun’s hair and caressing the warm skin under the clothes. Their legs tangled and untangled as they got rid of any space between each other and their breathing grew louder as their mouths were filled to the brim with the heated kiss.

Woohyun pulled back with a groan and dived into Sunggyu’s neck “Can’t find it yet, help me out, would you?” he muttered hastily as he pulled at Sunggyu’s t-shirt while running his mouth over his throat.

Unable to hold a low chuckle, Sunggyu complied and then got rid of Woohyun’s shirt too. They wasted no time in smashing their lips together and letting their tongues tangle again. Heavy breathing leaving their noses as the rustle of the sheets against their bodies accompanied them. They were pressed flush against each other, every centimeter of skin they could touch they did. Sunggyu started to push Woohyun onto his back.

“Ah, fuck, just keep it” the man grunted as Sunggyu nestled between his legs.

“What?” he whispered between kisses.

“I’ll never get it back”

“Tell me what you lost and I’ll help you find it” he said against the man’s collarbones, feeling Woohyun’s fingers tighten on his hair.

“I don’t want it back” the strangled whisper brought him back up “I’d rather you keep it safe”

“Why?”

In between dragging kisses and soft pants, Woohyun smiled at him with an edge of goofiness amongst the heat “If I tell you what it is…” he captured Sunggyu’s mouth in a sharp kiss “I’ll ruin the mood” he breathed a little laugh.

Curiosity was overpowered by lust, but he still couldn’t help the little inquisitive sound before his brain understood “Oh, no-!“

“My heart”

“Agh!” Sunggyu actually winced at that, but after a long second staring into Woohyun’s eyes, he could not hold it and they both broke into a laughing fit that shook them for a while “Goddamit, you’re hopeless!” he wheezed out, falling over the other and sighing the last of his amusement.

They caught their breath in silence, then Woohyun cleared his throat “So, how much of the mood did I ruin?”

Sunggyu snorted “Just a little bit, but we can fix that real quick” he lifted himself on his elbows and smirked down at the other man.

His gesture was mirrored as warm hands returned to his still heated skin “Let’s get to it then”

 

* * *

 

This time he can see.

There are shapes, there are shadows, there are colors and there is light. It makes him dizzy, everything is moving, swaying and blurring. He feels his eyes tired and strained, just as his chest.

A few of the shapes move quickly, startling him and forcing a rush of air inside him. Voices sound, hitting him with annoying force and making the ache between his temples come back to him. He tries to move back, but his limbs seem to be made of concrete. He tries to talk, but the nausea builds up with amazing speed and he is gulping air in no time, trying to quell down the churning of his stomach and ignoring the press on his torso.

One of the shapes makes it right next to him, but he cannot move away. It freaks him out, the cold fingers trying to touch him, the loud voice yelling nonsense, the faceless head leaning over. His heart speeds up, and it makes his skin crawl. His fingers start shaking again.

Two long limbs shoot around him, and he jerks away with a sudden rush of force that drains him completely of energy. He struggles to get free, cold hands going to his face and the annoying voice getting louder and disturbingly close to him. He groans and whimpers, unable to will his throat to form words but desperate to pull free from the looming form.

Another sound invades his head, and he winces at the pain inside his skull.

He sees the shapes move again, voices clashing, a pair of long limbs pulling the first figure away from him. He doesn’t know if he can feel relieved. But he feels too tired to do anything but melt against the surface under his back and try to catch his breath. His stomach is not taking the whole situation well, and he feels it pushing up and choking him slightly. The voices keep the mess going on, and he thinks they seem to be arguing. He glances to the shapes and notices that they seem much more human than the first impression he had. Where they people?

He has no chance to find out, because his gut has finally had enough, and the bile rise all the way to his throat and into his mouth. He turns over and throws up, struggling to breath between the gagging and spitting.

The cold hands are on him again, the voices bustling in his head and just making things worse. He feels tired and sick, so very sick and revolted. His eyes fall closed, and he focuses on the air filling his lungs again.

One of the voices starts repeating something between all the bustling sounds, and he recognizes it with heavy confusion.

“ _Sunggyu!_ ” it rumbles “ _Hyung!_ ” he wonders who it was, how does these people know him? Where is this? “ _Sunggyu_ ” it bothers him, it annoys him, it scares him…

* * *

 

“Sunggyu, wake up!” Woohyun’s voice finally broke the hazy veil of the dream and brought him back to reality “Come on, wake up”

“I’m… awake” he choked and gasped for air.

“You look sick, Gyu” Woohyun’s face reflected nothing but worry, the bright light of the lamp on the bedside table casting shadows on his face “Are you ok?”

“Yeah…” a deep breath “I’m…” he swallowed heavily and shook his head “No, I’m gonna…” he crawled to the edge of the bed and sat up, his feet touching the cold wooden floor and his shaky arms trying to stop him from rolling forward as he tried to breathe properly.

Woohyun’s hand was immediately rubbing circles on his back, and Sunggyu tried to control the sudden nausea “Do you need the bathroom? Can you stand?” a hand brushed the sweaty hair from his forehead “You look awful, Gyu, what happened?”

“Dunno” he grunted in response, still trying not to throw up.

“Another nightmare?” Woohyun’s voice was soft, little more than a whisper, as his hand kept rubbing Sunggyu’s back soothingly. He nodded, not sure he could speak without unwanted consequences “What are they about, Gyu? You’re having them every night”

“Don-“ he gulps a deep breath and fights back the gagging in his throat “…know…”

“Ok, no talking, just breathe deeply” Woohyun leans closer.

It took him a few minutes to get over the nausea, and then he just felt very tired, a headache growing steadily between his eyes. He let his head fall on Woohyun’s shoulder and let the other man wrap him in a comforting hug.

He woke up still in Woohyun’s embrace, the man’s soft breathing brushing his temple and the strong arms pressing him close. He felt much better, didn’t want to get up at all, but a peek over his boyfriend told him he had to get up or he’d be late to work.

With a long suffering groan, he hid his face against Wohhyun’s neck and hugged him hard for a moment, waking the other up before sighing in resignation and pushing away.

“Gyu?” the croaky voice brought a little smile to his face “Where are you going?”

“Bathroom?”

“Oh…” Woohyun blinked sluggishly as he watched Sunggyu take the clothes for the day and walk to the bathroom “Wait, are you going to work today?” he asked just before Sunggyu closed the door.

“Yeah, why?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine”

Woohyun didn’t say anything to that, but his face showed his discontent. He kept the shadow of his doubts plastered in his brow until he met Sunggyu at the door little less than an hour later “Are you sure you’ll go?”

“Yes, Hyun, I’m just fine”

“You were anything but fine just hours ago”

“It was just the nightmare, it’s ok”

The other pulled his mouth in skepticism, then shook his head and sighed “Leave early if you don’t feel well, ok?”

“Will do, don’t worry” he pecked the plump lips and stepped toward the door, but a pair of arms around his waist pulled him back. He turned around and had Woohyun’s mouth meeting his again. He sighed into the kiss and rested one hand on the other’s hip.

When they finally pulled apart, Woohyun kissed his cheek noisily “Drive safe“ he said, then dropped one last tiny peck on his lips “Love you”

He smiled and brushed the back of his hand over the other’s cheek “Love you too”

As he drove to the office, Sunggyu couldn’t help his thoughts going back to Woohyun’s worried expression when they parted minutes before. If he had to be completely honest with himself, he was a tiny bit worried over the whole thing, the nightmares he was having were so real that spilled outside his sleep and carried the discomfort to his waking hours. The heavy sickness he had felt that night was no joke, nor the stubborn headache or the tension in his back and neck. He could still feel the lingering pinch between his eyes, the dormant pain ready to surface again given whatever conditions it was waiting for.

He stopped at a red light and rolled his neck slowly, closing his eyes for a second and trying to focus back on the real world and the day he had ahead.

The loud sound of a siren had him snapping his eyes open and peeking around him in case he had to move, but he saw no police car or ambulance hurrying anywhere. He blinked and glanced to the car beside him, the driver didn’t seem to be paying attention to the sound, neither was the woman in the car behind him. He returned his attention to the front in time to see the light go green and the siren faded as suddenly as it had started. He shrugged the matter away and resumed his way.

 

* * *

 

“Hey!” Sunggyu jumped in his chair and the red ink pen flew from his hand and to the floor. A surprised laughter bubbled from his side “Woah, sorry” Dongwoo said between laughs.

“Ah…” he flattened his frown and shook his head, checking that the papers ha had been reviewing weren’t stained “What is it?”

“You coming out for lunch?” the man half sat on the edge of his desk.

“Lunch? Already?” he looked around for his phone.

“ _Already?_ Man, it’s almost three!”

“Uh… “ he blinked up at the other man and finally checked his wrist watch. It  _was_  nearly three in the afternoon after all “Oh dear”

“I guess the nice week ended”

Sunggyu clicked his tongue annoyed “I’m afraid” he grunted, bending to pick up the fallen pen and standing to search for his phone “Seems like some people suddenly remembered they needed tons of shit done by this weekend and forgot to let me know I had to check over half of it”

“You can pass some stuff to me if you want. I’m done with the balances”

“Oh, you are?” he lifted the laptop in case his phone was beneath “Good”

“Yup” Dongwoo nodded and shifted in place and looked down, then pulled something from under his thigh and handed it to Sunggyu “Here” he said, dropping the phone in front of him.

Not even commenting on it, he took it and stretched his back “Alright, let’s go then” they started towards the stairs with no hurry “You guys were waiting for me?” the other hummed and nodded “Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice the time”

“It’s ok, we saw you glaring at the computer and punching the keyboard so we assumed you had something going on”

“I hope I can finish it soon, I’m  _not_  coming to work on Saturday”

Dongwoo made a noncommittal sound and shrugged as they reached the door, where Howon was waiting for them.

“Ah, finally!”

“Yeah, let’s get food, I just realized I’m starving!” he ushered.

Same café, same table, they downed their lunch as if they hadn’t eaten in days.

“How’s today’s prospect?” Howon asked as he pushed his empty plate a little.

“Back to normal” he said, the disappointment clear in his voice.

“Too good to last” Howon shook his head sympathetically “If it makes you feel better, I’m also boarding the work-at-home train”

“Oh, yay” he muttered in a flat tone.

“Oh, hey, Gyu!” Dongwoo butted in with a 180° mood turn in the conversation “Where are we meeting for Hyun’s birthday?”

“Mh…” he threw his head back and stared at the ceiling “Dunno”

“Come on!” the other laughed “Your apartment? A restaurant? Want to come home?”

“I really don’t know, I haven’t thought about it” he sat straight again and dropped his chin on his hand “I think it’d be better at home. I mean, if it’s going to be just us, then there’d be no problem” he fiddled with the border of the table cloth for a few seconds and then added “Except for the surprise part”

“We can get everything ready in no time” Dongwoo shrugged.

“Yeah, you just have to keep him outside for a while”

“Mh…”

“What is it?”

“Never tried to do a surprise party before” he shrugged “You think he’ll really like it?”

“Are you kidding?” Dongwoo kicked him softly under the table “He’ll love it! You know he will”

“I guess, I hope it works out”

“It will man” Howon reassured “Did you tell Jong already?”

“Yup, sent him a message yesterday”

“I bet he’s more excited than any of us, he loves to prepare this kind of stuff as much as Woohyun loves to receive it”

“Oh, yeah he was” he nodded “He practically organized everything on his own in twenty minutes of messaging”

The other two chuckled lightly.

As they walked back, fighting back the heavy drowsiness that the hurried lunch had thrown over them, they kept the chat slow and idle. The heavy traffic bustled around them, people and vehicles alike hurrying all around. At the crossing ahead of them, a car driver seemed to have gotten distracted and missed when the light turned green, and Sunggyu didn’t even count to three when the honks began. Out of nowhere, and in between the ruckus, the shrill siren of an ambulance impossibly near him made him jump in scare and turn around, but there was none for as far as he could see, and the sound faded soon enough, mixed between the sounds of the passing cars.

“Sunggyu?”

He turned around “What?”

“You ok, man?” Dongwoo asked him with a poorly covered snicker.

“Yeah, sure” he dismissed, noticing how Howon didn’t even try to hide his amused grin. He let them have their fun, he knew he must have looked pretty silly “Stupid drivers” he muttered, though only for their further enjoyment, because he himself was starting to worry a little about his hearing.

He had to stay late after all, the number on the screen of his laptop said it was 18:57 and he was still on the phone, the people on the other side adding more and more troubles to his growing pile. He took the phone from the table when he saw it blink with a message.

_From: Hyun_

_Are you coming early today? :)_

He sighed away from the receiver of the office phone and then pulled it close again to throw an answer to a question asked his way, his fingers already writing a reply for Woohyun.

_To: Hyun_

_No such luck today :( I’ll tell you when I’m on my way._

Five minutes later, the phone blinked again.

_From: Hyun_

_:( Ok. Try not to kill anyone. See you tonight! Love you_

He smiled minimally and replied a quick ‘ _love you too_ ’ before setting the phone back on the desk and focusing on solving the mess at hand.

It was half past eight when he left the office, his computer’s bag in hand and a headache bouncing around his brain. He waved to the security guard, who wisely chose not to comment on his time of departure, and went to his car.

Nursing a bad mood and narrowing his eyes to diminish the pain behind his eyes, he drove tense and trying to reach home quickly. The lights of the other cars were bothering him greatly, even the street lights; the honks and sharp sounds, the movement, the focus, everything was piling up above his head like a thickening brick. He visibly flinched and pressed his eyes closed when the sharp outburst of an ambulance siren ripped his attention to his headache. He cursed under his breath and forced his eyes open to look around. There were a lot of cars, trucks, buses and people on the sidewalks, but no ambulance, and by the time he realized this, the sound was long gone. He was getting a little annoyed by that little joke his ears seemed to be playing with him.

With a heavy sigh, he focused back on the road and tried not to fall into the mass irritability of the other drivers stuck in the dense traffic. But it was damn hard.

 

* * *

 

He kicked the door shut and stomped to his room, throwing his things on a chair and angrily pulling the tie and shoes away from him. He felt the scowl on his face tight and hard, as if it was glued to his factions and no amount of will power would be able to lift it.

He walked out on his socks and found Woohyun at the kitchen table, sitting with his back towards him and his legs crossed at the ankles. There was an empty mug in front of him, right beside a big pile of papers and a few pens. He noticed his boyfriend’s head tilted to the side, and he mimicked the gesture with curiosity. Taking the few steps that separated them, he peaked to Woohyun’s face and the scowl on his own vanished like magic.

“Woohyun” he called between soft chuckles, shaking the sleeping man’s shoulder gently.

Woohyun groaned slightly and shifted in place, trying to find a more comfortable position “Tomorrow” he grunted in his sleep.

“What? Come on, wake up” he insisted softly.

They ended up calling the delivery, as Woohyun had fallen asleep while grading and the dinner had never been started even. Sunggyu’s bad mood had been lessened but it still bit at the corner of his temper, as well as the strange discomfort that wedged his spine and head. When they went to bed, he was feeling irked by the simple fact of having to get up the following morning, and that nonsensical grumpiness, at the same time, annoyed him even more. He felt himself falling in the sick circle of exasperating irritation over his irritation over everything.

He sighed sharply, maybe for the fifth time that night, and kicked his slippers away to sit on the edge of the bed, and then a pair of warm hands captured his face firmly and turned it to the side, where he found himself staring up close into Woohyun’s eyes.

“Don’t” the man said in a low, soothing voice, pressing his forehead to Sunggyu’s “Don’t, Gyu, it’s the middle of the week already. You’ll pull through it”

Sunggyu heaved another sigh, softer, resigned and tired. He closed his eyes and felt his scowl vanish again. Without opening his eyes, he pressed forward and dropped his head on his partner’s shoulder, nuzzling a little into the warm neck and relishing in the familiar scent of the man. Then he perceived another smell, strong, fresh and lightly sweet. He blinked his eyes open and inhaled deeper, recognizing the fragrance of flowers near him, calming, familiar and relaxing.

“What’s that?” he mumbled against soft skin.

“What?” came the low answer, accompanied by two hands rubbing slowly at his back and warm breath hitting the back of his neck.

“Flowers?”

“Mhh…”

“S’not you, is it?”

A rumbling chuckle made his shiver pleasantly in the other man’s arms “Not me, no”

He turned his head and rested his cheek on Woohyun’s shoulder, taking a lazy look around and finding a bunch of white, wide-leafed flowers on a slender vase “Oh…” he raised his eyebrows “Was that there before?”

“Yeah” Woohyun mumbled, pressing a soft kiss between Sunggyu’s shoulder and neck.

“Are you sure? I thought I just dropped my phone there and…” he trailed off when he felt the other man’s mouth open on his skin and slowly move over his neck “It wasn’t…” Woohyun bit slightly and hugged him tighter “Oh, okay…” he said as his face was pulled up again and several openmouthed kissed rolled over his jaw until the plump lips reached his mouth.

He forgot about the vase and his phone, about his bad mood and his work, all thrown away as he fell softly on the mattress under Woohyun’s weight, his mouth silenced in a deep, slow kiss and his both their hands gone under each other’s clothes.

 


	4. III

He wakes up slowly, his body lazily sensing the sheets around him and the mattress beneath. Soft noises start rising near him, a weird murmur of movement muffled by something, sounds he cannot place.

There is something warm around his hand, and then a repetitive motion brushing the skin of his knuckles. He frowns a little and opens his eyes. But he still sees nothing.

A whisper flies by, something shifts, and then there is warmth on his face, his temple, his cheek, and the brushing sensation, this time over his cheekbone. He huffs in annoyance and tries to move his face away, but the sensation is still there, not unpleasant but strange and confusing. He sees nothing and he doesn’t know what he is really feeling and what he’s imagining. It unnerves him.

“ _Sunggyu?_ ” he hears a voice, weird and strangled. He doesn’t like the sound of it, it’s unnatural and foreign “ _Hey_ …” he tries to ignore it, but he can do little besides thinking louder “ _Gyu_ … “ he really wants to walk away, and the sad, wavering note on the strange voice is disturbing him even more. There’s more shifting and whisperings before more warmth falls near him “ _Sorry_ …” he tries to snap his head away from the sound, go back to sleep or wake up, but the feeling of warmth starts invading his surroundings, pressure growing on his side and then over his chest “ _Please, don't_ …” His head starts spinning and nausea builds up from the bottom of his stomach up to his mouth “ _Sunggyu_ …” the voice mutters right beside his ear, and he feels shivers crawl all over his skin.

He smells it then, the flowers, the children shampoo, faint aftershave, and the voice thickens softly, pleasantly, the pressure and the warmth take form and he finally melts under Woohyun’s comforting presence. He still feels sick, weak, his skin tense and aching and his head numbed and upside down, but the fear subdues and the anxiety over his confusion relents against the soothing effect of the other man.

He feels himself relax a little, he breaths out slowly and leans into the soft embrace, seeking to end the pain and nausea.

It doesn’t happen, though, and it bothers him greatly that he still seems unable to open his eyes.

 

* * *

Sleep unfolded gently from his mind, the slumber slid off his eyelids and he blinked sluggishly to white fabric and dim light.

“Wake up” he heard Woohyun say, sleep clogging his voice, but the uneasy edge notorious even thorugh that.

“I am” he growled, his voice still glued to his throat, the air barging into his body and fighting the sickening dizziness.

“Okay” Woohyun hummed and shifted, pulling them both up “Are you ok, Gyu?” he asked, some seconds after watching Sunggyu wobbling in his place.

“Just give me a moment” he rasped, evening his breaths and waiting for his head to stop spinning.

He felt a little lightheaded that morning, moving by sheer routine and the leftover impulse of his boyfriend’s pushes and prompts. He found it hard to let go of the other’s shirt at the door, when he had to leave.

“Lazy morning?” Woohyun questioned amused, while indulging him in a long hug at the entrance of their apartment “Come on, Gyu, only a few more days until weekend” he grunted in response, focusing on feeling the hand rubbing at his back for as long as he could before he had to force himself to dislodge from Woohyun’s arms “See you” the man smiled, dropping a light peck on his lips and patting his arm.

“Yeah…”

“Drive safe” he heard the call as he walked down the corridor.

He nodded and slowly dragged himself into the elevator and then toward the parking lot.  

There were no ghost ambulances this time, no honking cars, no crazy traffic; nothing. It felt eerie, the silence that roamed on the street. Few people were out, even fewer cars, and his own feeling of heaviness and slight detachment from reality made the whole picture the more distorted.

The office was calm, and he seemed to be of the very first ones. He walked the quiet corridor, between the empty cubicles, until he entered his small office and placed his things in place. Maybe, he hoped, this could foresee a calm day.

But wrong he was, as it was soon proved by the amount of mails and calls asking for his meddling or aid or explanations, the increasing problems brought by the people that crossed the door or simply addressed him from the other side of the world.

By the time Dongwoo peaked in, he was gripping his hair over a few folders, a call on speaker and several people talking urgently in static filled voices. He only had to look up at his friend for him to understand that, no, he would not be going out for lunch with them today. Dongwoo made a weird face, a mixture between a sympathetic grimace and a supportive smile, and then left.

He didn’t even look at the time when he left the office, having told Woohyun that he’d be late again, he forgot about it and tried to finish as much as he could before his brain cells stopped working and a mixture of hunger, tiredness and frustration made him shut his computer with a loud snap.

The office was almost empty, the security guard of the night shift greeted him carefully as he walked out. He drove indolently, lost in his reluctance and numbed headache, the hunger coming and going as it pleased. His phone went off somewhere near half the way, startling so much that he pulled slightly at the steering wheel and made the car waver to a side.

He hit the screen of his phone and set it on speaker, then threw it on the passenger seat.

“Yeah” he grunted to the air.

“ _Gyu, where are you?_ ” Woohyun questioned in a voice Sunggyu was not sure meant annoyance or worry.

“I’m going back right now”

“ _Oh, alright. Though day, huh?_ ”

“You could say”

“ _Okay, dinner will be ready when you get home_ ”

“Okay, thanks”

“ _See you_ ”

He managed another grunt before cutting the connection, and he could not help to notice that not only he had unread messages (probably Woohyun’s), but the big bold numbers showed him it was 22:16 already. He growled and hit the back of his head against the seat, then slapped the steering wheel for good measure.

He barely ate, even though his stomach was pretty much consuming itself minutes before. He only wanted to go to bed, bury himself in the covers, wrap his limbs around Woohyun and stay there for the rest of his life. He did so, for the most part, and he let his muscles go soggy while inhaling at the scent flowers… And Woohyun.

 

* * *

He's standing on the sidewalk, looking straight ahead. There isn't much movement, few cars on the street, even fewer people walking around. He feels wrong, something about it feels wrong. He shouldn't be there, not then, not alone, he should go home, why isn't he home? Why isn't he leaving? 

He has to wait, though, he knows that. Someone looks at his face, and he feels so exposed all of a sudden, he drops his eyes to the ground, trying to hide his face from the curious eyes.

" _Where is he?_ " he hears near him. Someone is close to him, and talking... to him? He doesn't know, and he doesn't dare to look up " _Seriously_ " the voice is annoyed, maybe a bit nervous too.

" _Be patient, he'll be back soon_ " another one, restless and not convinced, echoes in his head with a bizarre familiarity.

_This is stupid_ , he thinks for some reason,  _we should just go home_. Where is home, anyway? It's really close... Is it? It feels like it. He looks around, he doesn't live nearby... But the place is so strongly familiar... Where is he?

There's a person at the other side of the street, watching intently. He feels uneasy about them, a sense of foreboding tickling his spine.

" _Can we go? I mean it_ " Silence. Another person looks at them with clear curiosity. Why are they staring so much? Is there something wrong with him? Is it because of the people that keeps talking near him? Is he dressed strangely? " _I'm talking to you_ " a push to his side, but he still keeps his head down.

" _Oh crap, someone's comming_ " a whisper to his ear, and he wants to push the person away, because why are they so close?

" _Excuse me?_ " he hears, somehow he knows it's a stranger, and he feels there's trouble... But he doesn't know why.

" _Let's go, come on!_ " the strangely familiar voice whispers again, and something in him agrees.

He nods and starts walking _._

_Ignore them, ignore them, ignore them,_ he keeps thinking as he walks, he hears a stranger calling for them again, closer than before, and he feels annoyed, then a little guilty, and then annoyed again. He sees a pair of feet walking beside him, he recognizes those shoes, Myungsoo's. A hand grasps at his sleeve, he knows who it is, it's Sungjong. 

_"But what about hyung?"_ someone asks in a hushed voice.

" _We'll call him and let him know_ " the familiar voice says with determination... And he realises, it's _his_ voice.

From that moment, things seem to slow down, his body feels heavy and drowsy, he tries to move faster but he can't. Something makes him look up, something deep in his gut tells him to look out, so he does. 

There is Myungsoo right beside him, and a person, a woman, a face he can't remember, features he doesn't know, but still make his skin break into goosebumps. Something is dead wrong. 

Myungsoo looks at him, his cap covering most of his face, and gives him a little childlike smile, his cute dimple showing in his cheek. He can't smile back, because dread fills him from head to toes when he sees the woman rushing forward, an arm wrapping around Myungsoo's neck and pulling him away. He feels a rush of panic, his blood runs ten times faster and his legs tremble a little. He doesn't understand what's going on, his friend is being attacked by a stranger in broad daylight. Why? Are they being robbed? And why does it frighten him so much? It's just one woman when there's at least three of them. But something in him tells him he can't do much, they should try to just run away, lose this crazy person and avoid being seen at all costs.

A similar feeling tells him they won't.

In a quick flash, he sees it, between the fingers of the woman, it hids inside the fluffy sleeve of her jacket, but its shine calls his attention.

He reaches out without thinking, trying to hold her hand before she can do anything, but she has pulled Myungsoo out of his reach. Her hand rises, Myungsoo stumbles further away, the pocket knife comes out and he panics. He jumps forward and pulls at his friend, fear, nervousnes and anger are tangled all over him as he tries to stop the attack. But the woman doesn't falter, and when the blade flies violently towards Myungsoo again, he does the first thing his body can manage, he kicks the woman hard on her middle, a harsh yell breaking through his throat as he feels her body's weight against his boot.

He doesn't know what he's doing, what he's done. The woman falls to the ground, he himself stumbling close by, harsh and messy. He's breathing hard and watching in horror the resulsts of his own actions. Car's tires screech on the pavement, they're on the street, the woman screams in fear and people all around them bustle in alarm.

Time seems to accelerate rapidly. There are hands pulling at him, voices yelling, and he feels absolutely confused. He's still scared and his hands tremble, his friends are gone and faceless figures gather around him. 

He feels suffocated and lost, he wants it all to stop. 

 

* * *

The alarm ripped him off the dream with such violence that he felt his stomach drop and the bed open under him, his heart was beating hurriedly and he was panting against the pillow. The echo of the pain in his chest was like a dead weight on his ribs, the sweat on his skin hot and disturbing.

He was dizzy when he got up from the bed, his hands shook a little, and he was so out of it that he didn’t even realize that he had woken Woohyun up too, and the man was fuzzing over him with drowsy concern.

He stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes, sitting on the little fluffy carpet, beside the toilet. The tiled wall felt cold through his thin t-shirt and shivers kept running up and down his spine. When he gathered enough strength to stand up, he looked at himself in the mirror, and groaned at the pitiful image he saw.

Not five minutes later he was running around the apartment, jumping in one foot while trying to put the shoe to the other, sliding into his jacket as he rushed to the door. He had set the alarm an hour earlier than normal to have a little extra time at work, and the number the nightmare had pulled on him was about to ruin the purpose of it all.

“Gyu-“

“I call you when I get out!” he called as he flew by the kitchen, from where Woohyun peaked with a mug in his hand “Bye!” he shouted, closing the door behind him and missing the other’s response.

The street had been merciful in his haste, letting him catch most green lights and no traffic jam, so he arrived precisely an hour before curfew, the whole building with no one but the security and cleaning staff and maybe two other early employees. He was a little accelerated still when he settled on his desk, taking a long, deep breath to brace himself for a hard day. But he’d do it, no matter how he had to burn his brain cells, he was determined to leave with all urgent matters settled and no work to be done on the weekend.

 

* * *

“I don’t care what you wrote specifically on the damned mail!” he all but shouted into the receiver of the office phone, feeling his hand tighten around it “Why is there a subject on it if you don’t freaking use it to write how  _very urgent_  the matter is?!” the man on the other side started a word, but he cut him sharply “I’m no mind reader! I can’t know how vital a message is if you don’t make it visible for me! Do you have any idea the amount of e-mails I get in an hour?! No?! Of course not, or you’d sent the damned thing properly and wouldn’t have called me now,  _hours_  before the deadline!!” he yelled harshly. There was some stutter from the other side “I don’t give a damn!!” he felt his heart bump noticeably against his ribcage, his fingers trembling under the strength of his grip “Yes! I’ll do the damned thing, I’ll put everything else I have to do on hold so I can solve this  _for you_! Because, let me clarify it, it was  _your_  meddling into this that completely trashed up the account!  _I told you_  not to modify it without talking with one of us!  _I told you_  to keep the reviewed documents untouched!  _I told you_  we were working on them! Next time, if you’re not going to pay attention to anything I advise you to do, do me a favor and communicate properly the matter to the people that corresponds! And if you fail to do that, at least call me  _before_  things are about to blow up in my freaking face!!” he smashed the phone in its place with such force that it slid away and clattered on the desk.

He closed his eyes and dropped his face on his palms, trembling all over with frustration and anger. His head was pounding ferociously, and his stomach was tight with stress. He couldn’t understand the nerve of some people, or the way everything had plummeted down in so little time. What had happened? Why was everything so messed up all of a sudden? He could not get a grip of himself, completely exceeded with responsibilities and work that fell on his shoulders out of nowhere and burning with urgency. To worsen things, he found out they were lacking employees, two resignations on the table and major mess ups and confusion from the newest people. He had dealt with difficult times before, with new employees making mistakes, with hurried work and quickly approaching deadlines, but all together plus the pressure from all the people who could afford to pressure him and the aggravating prepotency of some who shouldn’t but took the liberty to do so anyway, it all mined his endurance like nothing else before.

Growling loudly, he slammed his hands on the desk and refocused on his work, knowing that he had no time to waste. He was aware of the tense silence that had invaded the floor, and he could feel the eyes of several glued to him through the glass panel, but he paid no heed, he had more urgent matters to solve at hand, and not enough time.

He barely reacted to the hands softly kneading his shoulders, and he knew Dongwoo was only trying to help, so he swallowed the violent snap and tried to relax his fingers, because he was typing pure crap by punching the keyboard with so much aggression.

“Anything I can do to help out?” the man said in a quiet voice.

“No” he spat, then rubbed harshly at his eyes and sighed sharply “Yes, please make sure the two new guys don’t mess up the records so much, it’s a pain in the ass to tidy it up and it makes everything twice as slow”

“Alright” Dongwoo nodded curtly, his tone grave as if he were a soldier abiding orders. He stood behind his chair for a few long seconds, and then added in a careful tone “Coming out for lunch might do you good”

“I can’t, Dongwoo, I have barely enough time as it is, I don’t even know if I’ll make it before midnight”

“Ok, tell me what you want and I’ll go buy it for you”

“Forget about it, I can’t for the life in me eat a single rice grain. I’ll throw it up”

“Geez, man” the other sighed, and the hands on his shoulders started massaging again “Just-“ he was interrupted by the desk phone. Sunggyu’s hand shot to pick it up, his face contorting in a deep scowl, but Dongwoo’s hand was faster “Yes?” he answered in a pleasant tone, stepping away from the desk when Sunggyu tried to pry the object from his hand “He’s in a meeting right now, is there anything you’d like me to tell him?” he went on in the same overly polite voice, and Sunggyu let him be, actually feeling grateful for his interfering “I doubt it, but I’ll let him know. Alright, sure, good day” he placed the phone back and smiled to Sunggyu “I’ll take care of that” he assured, turning on his heels and walking out of the office.

Sunggyu felt like crying and hugging him, not sure why, but suspected the tension was messing up with his head already.

He had to go out of the office at some point, not able to concentrate on anything and having trouble reading the screen of his computer, he felt dizzy and lightheaded, but he couldn’t even think of food without feeling his body’s refusal to take any. He had pushed his luck enough accepting the piece of sandwich Dongwoo had forced on him, and the many serves of black coffee he had downed during the day. He spent a few minutes sitting in the parking lot, trying to oxygenate his brain, but time was running, and so were the deadlines.

He stayed late again, the people leaving slowly, even the late workers, rushed like him, went home way before him. He tried not to look at the time, waving goodbye to the ones that had the courage to peek inside and speak to him.

“Check the minifridge before you leave” Howon told him as he patted his back “And take some work home if you have to, man, that’s better than waking up here in the morning”

“It won’t take that long” he rasped a single, humorless laugh and bid his friend goodbye.

He had little to no strength to get up and pick up his belongings. As he walked to the floor's door, a bright yellow post-it note on the handle caught his attention.  _I said, check the minifridge before you leave!_ Howon’s bold handwriting stated, and he chuckled hoarsely at it.

There was a package in it, a pretty ribbon adorning the thin band tying it closed. Sunggyu had to think hard for a little while before noticing the second post-it note, over the while paper enveloping.  _I picked it up for you. You’re welcome :)_ It was Dongwoo’s messy writing this time, and it hit him then, the day and the chocolate cake he had ordered for Woohyun…

Because it was his damn fucking birthday.

“Fuck!” he yelled to the air “Fuck, fuck and fucking fuck!” he heard his voice echo in the practically empty building before he picked the package up and rushed to the exit.

He cursed at every red light and every car slowing him down. He cursed at himself too, and at all the damn idiots that made his work twice as long as it should have been. He nearly ran down the corridor to the door of the apartment and got in with heavy breathing.

The pang of guilt stabbed the whole way through him when he stepped into a dark room, the tv glowing mutely and a figure quietly lying on the sofa. He whined, actually, angry with himself and the fact that he could do nothing but try to mend his slip now. He moved quietly and put his stuff down on the floor, putting the cake in the fridge and walking back to the sofa and watching the sleeping man for a moment.

With a long breath, he sat at the edge and leaned over the other man, slowly slipping his arms under his back and placing a loud kiss on his cheek. Woohyun woke up startled, his eyes blinking quickly as he mumbled something.

“I’m sorry” Sunggyu said, hugging him tightly and dropping several kisses all over the other’s face “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry” he kept mumbling, finally reaching Woohyun’s lips and kissing them fervently.

It surprised him a little to feel his partner’s arms slowly wrap around him and the low chuckles rumbling under his chest “Geez” the man said in a low, husky voice “You need to start waking me up like this more often”

The tension rolled off his shoulders swiftly, but the guilt refused to leave him yet. He buried his face in the crook between Woohyun’s neck and shoulder and pressed his arms tighter around the man “I’m sorry” he repeated, his voice muffled.

“It’s ok, Gyu” a warm hand rubbed his back.

“No it’s not” he argued, not moving his face from its place.

“You had an insane day at work, I’m sure you did”

“That’s no excuse, Hyun” he all but whined “I should have at least called you-”

“Well, you didn’t” he said curtly, and Sunggyu sagged down miserably “And I forgive you, ok? Now, are you going to spend what little is left of the night moping or are going to make it up for me?”

Sunggyu lifted his head immediately and kissed Woohyun on his nose “I’ll make it up for you”

“Good then” the man smiled up to him “How about some food, then? I think I skipped dinner” he said unsure, blinking around him.

“I brought you the cake you love so much” he said, standing up and pulling Woohyun up along. He took a few steps towards the kitchen, holding the other’s hand, and then stopped and turned around “Oh, and I had something for you! Maybe I should give that first…” he made for the closet in the short corridor, but the hand in his own pulled him back.

“Food first”

“Ok, food first” he nodded and went to the kitchen. He took out the cake and then gasped and pried the paper open, giving a little cheer of relief “Ah, yes, here it is. I asked for your favorite tea too. You want some?” he offered, already taking their mugs from the cupboard as he spoke.

“Sure” Woohyun agreed, pressing himself to Sunggyu’s back and dropping his chin on his shoulder “Ah, see?” he laughed softy “You even remembered that I like the little cans better” he squeezed his middle and pressed his lips to the back of his neck.

“You collect the things, how could I not?” he shrugged.

“They do really cute pencil cases”

He hummed a little laugh and turned around, letting the other man hug him properly and sighing against the dark hair. He braved a look at the clock and winced at the hour, then realized the day had gone by, almost half past one in the morning, and pulled back to look at his partner’s eyes.

“For what it's worth," he sighed in frustration "happy birthday” he pecked the man’s lips, and dropped his eyes to the floor, not noticing that he was pouting over his own failure.

Woohyun stared at him for a moment before laughing in his face and hugging him tight, pressing his face against his neck “Man, I love you” he said softly, rubbing his sharp nose against his skin “I love you” a little kiss had a shiver running down Sunggyu’s spine “I love you” he said again, biting him lightly. Sunggyu smiled and let him have his way with his neck. He was about to reply when a gush of shaky air hit his skin, then Woohyun’s voice again “I do…” he whispered, and Sunggyu scrunched his eyebrows a little, put off by the quivering tone “I love you, hyung” he heard, the voice weak and fragile.

“Hyun…” he called unsure, his confusion growing more when the man looked up at him, slight question in his eyes, but an honest smile still on his lips “You-... Are you ok?” he asked, not really sure.

“Yeah, why?” the other asked, seemingly also confused.

“You just-… It… I mean, nothing, forget about it” he shook his head in dismissal. He was tired, and his senses were probably not at their best “The water boiled already” he murmured, turning to the kitchen counter again.

They were both quite hungry after all, so the food on their plates lasted very little and fell hard on their stomachs, bringing drowsiness to their heads and limbs. Sunggyu dropped the plates and mugs in the sink and kept staring, intending to will himself to wash them but not succeeding so far. Then he felt Woohyun’s hands on his arms, tugging softly.

“Tomorrow” the man murmured “Let’s go to bed?”

“Mh…” he let himself be dragged slowly towards the corridor “Yeah, bed sounds really nice”

He heard the few chuckles before feeling the sneaky hands slip fingers between the buttons of his shirt “Why, I wonder?”

“What do you mean?” he asked feigning ignorance.

“I mean…” a button came undone “do you want to go to sleep already?” another followed suit “Or are you willing to pamper me a little bit more? Even if my birthday technically ended”

“I'll make it up for you for a whole week if you want me to” he said, "I owe you at least that for-"

"Gyu, don't" Woohyun chastied gently, his voice changing for a second before going back to the playful tone "You know, a week sounds really tempting, and I might make use of that later... But let's start with tonight"

"My pleasure" he smiled, thinking sometimes Woohyun was just too good for him “Fancying anything in particular?”

The other man laughed in amusement “No, I’m kind of sleepy too, let’s keep it simple” he kissed his cheek and then added “Though, I am feeling like... taking a ride maybe”

Sunggyu could not tame the ungraceful snort and following snicker “By all means” he chuckled, entering the room and letting Woohyun push him gently towards the bed.

“Well then, get ready,” the man said huskily “because I missed you a whole freaking lot today”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (not so) funny note: the angry phone call at the office actually happened at my workplace.


	5. IV

He blinks his eyes open to a plain ceiling, the dim glow that filters through the window is barely enough for him to make out vague shapes and silhouettes. He can’t keep his eyes open, it feels so tiring, it even gives little pokes of pain between his eyebrows, but he still tries. He has no idea what time it is, it’s dark still, that much is evident, and it’s cold. He feels cold, the sheets feel so light and thin, maybe he kicked off some? He tries to feel around for Woohyun, but his body is as tired as his eyelids, he can't force movement out of it. It’s like every muscle in him has been drained of energy, like he’s weighing ten times more and the bed swallows him, his own brain seems to have trouble understanding where he ends and the rest of the world begins.

There’s a soft sniffing sound, wet and congested, then a shaky breathing and a little, tiny whimper that he almost didn’t hear over the sound of his own breathing. It’s a little, minimal sobbing he hears, and it’s really near him.  _Hyun?_  He thinks, wondering why in hell could the other man be crying over.  _Is he really that upset about me almost missing his birthday?_  He doesn't blame him, though, he still felt like an asshole about it.

Something moves beside him, and then he perceives the change in the temperature, his arm feels the contrast with the air, heated up by the person lying against it. He feels a hand moving from his forearm to his shoulder, then back down to his hand, where it grips fiercely at his cold fingers. Because, yes, now that he feels the skin of another person around it, his own body feels deadly cold.

He tries to speak, to call the man, but his throat doesn't respond to him, nothing does. The sobbing doesn't stop, it grows louder instead, the slivers of a broken voice seeping between the breathy sounds.

He feels awful, all the guilt that had subdued hours ago crashes down on him again and he find himself fighting his restrictive slumber to reach for Woohyun and hug him close. But it’s all useless, he can’t move, he can’t speak, he can’t do anything but to listen and to feel, his eyes do little more than just stare.

Then a sudden clicking noise startles him, though his body doesn’t move, and light floods his vision with such harshness that his head explodes in a single jab of pain between his eyes. He can’t close his eyes, and all he sees is white light and more white beyond. Then he hears a voice, and nothing makes sense anymore, because what the heck is Howon doing in there?

He doesn’t know what they say, but when he senses Woohyun standing up and leaving his side, he feels devastatingly alone, abandoned, betrayed, empty, anguished, anxious and so many things at once that he feels like crying and yelling at them with an anger that surprises him.

He does none, though, he just can’t.

 

* * *

He surged up from the bed, abruptly pushing his body into a sitting position and taking so much air in one breath that he actually choked on it. He took a few gulps of air, faintly registering the man beside him ask him something in deep, sleepy yet confused voice. He couldn’t form a word to answer; instead he scrambled out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet on time. He pants though the gagging, whatever he had in his stomach pushing up and out though his burning throat, until he was wheezing and trying to vomit nothing. His middle clenched painfully and his limbs shook in exertion. A few seconds of shaky gasping later, he slumped on the floor, feeling the sweat in his face and Woohyun’s arms holding him up, and his head fell on the other’s shoulder.

“There, deep breaths, Gyu” he hears Woohyun saying softly ah he rubs his back, and he hung onto every word, every sound, because the feeling of loneliness and abandonment was still clutching at his bones.

He walked to the sink, with the other man’s help, and profusely rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth. A few times.

The clock read four in the morning as he sat in the kitchen, lemon water in front of him, the fluffy slippers on his feet and a sweatshirt over his pajama t-shirt. He was still shaking with shivers, and the ugly feeling of emptiness was still bothering him. A mug of lemon tea clanked softly on the table and a chair was dragged beside his own, then Woohyun took his hand with both his own and held it over his lap.

“You better?” he asked, to what Sunggyu nodded, then shook his head, and finally shrugged “Ok” the man conceded, pressing at Sunggyu’s hand for a second before talking again “Was it one of those nightmares again?” to that Sunggyu nodded slowly “Want to tell me what it was about?” he got a moment of silence and an indecisive shrug “Maybe it’ll help. I mean, you’ve been having these bad dreams for the whole damn week, Gyu, you’ve been sleeping like shit since it started, waking up agitated and nauseous, and now this” he sighed and raised the hand to his mouth, kissing Sunggyu’s knuckles softly “What are they about?” he asked again, his voice full with worry.

Sunggyu heaved a sigh of his own and swallowed his reluctance “I don’t even know what they’re about” he rasped “It’s confusing”

“But what was it that got you so bad tonight?”

“I don’t know… I mean, I’ve had worse, the ones with sickness, and pain, and creepy things looming over me…” he let out a long breath and leaned back against the chair, hoping to feel more attached to reality “This one… I just… heard”

“Heard what?”

“Someone crying, I guess. And I felt… It was you” he assured, part for Woohyun and part for himself “I was just listening to you, and feeling you beside me and then…” he had to gasp for air when he felt the pressure on his chest again “And then… you… You just left” his voice almost failed him, and again the feeling of abandonment and betrayal flooded him, emotions that had no reason of existence took control of him “You left, you left me… You both did and it felt awful, I felt so alone all of a sudden. It made me sick, and it made me really angry. I needed  _help_ , not pressure but you just stepped away and then turned against me! I _needed_ you there with me and you just turned your back to me! You all did-!”

“Gyu! Hey!” Woohyun’s voice interrupted him, giving him a second to realize he was almost yelling, and he forced himself to calm down and rip the dream from his head.

He felt his arm tense and looked down to find his knuckles white from the strength of his hold on Woohyun’s hand “Sorry…” he mumbled, letting go slowly and watching as the other man flexed his fingers slightly.

“It’s ok, it’s obvious something is bothering you a lot” he reached out and took Sunggyu’s face in his hands, turning his head to make him look to his eyes “But I’m  _not_  leaving you” he stressed “I don’t know why you dreamt of that, or who were the other people you talked about, but I’m here with you and this is where I’m staying, alright?”

Sunggyu nodded, closing his eyes and leaning into the warm hands. He forced himself to stomp over the uneasiness that refused to let go of him, and believe in Woohyun’s words.

 

* * *

He wasn’t feeling good. The whole day had felt heavy and drowsy, he felt kind of disconnected from everything as he occupied himself with little secret preparations for the gathering that night. He noticed that Woohyun looked at him quizzically, he knew he was not fooling his boyfriend, no matter how he tried, because he himself felt the rigidity of his own façade.

It was three in the afternoon already when he got Sungjong’s message to take Woohyun out of the apartment. He took him out over the excuse of buying some fruit and vegetables and needing his help because he always bought the bad ones and too much or too little. It was true, in fact, so, besides the rarity of Sunggyu remembering they had to do groceries, it was an unsuspicious and perfectly valid reason.

He kept glancing at his phone when Woohyun was distracted and checking the updates of the progress the other guys were doing. Just as Dongwoo had predicted, it took them no time to get things ready and ask Sunggyu to return. They were in no hurry, though, and walked their way back slowly, hand in hand and enjoying exactly that; the lack of rush, the lack of a deadline, the lack of the need to be somewhere at some time. They just needed to get home, maybe before midnight would be good,  _or before the guys fall asleep back home_ , Sunggyu thought.

They walked leisurely through the park, allowing themselves to chat a little with the neighbors they met on their way, doing some halfhearted window shopping and even buying some snacks. They walked by a flower shop, and the familiar scent hit his nostrils pleasantly.

“You look like a hound” Woohyun chuckled as he looked around looking for the flowers “Those ones” the man pointed for him to the long, slender flowers, pale pink petals falling softly open “You love the things but you never remember which ones they are”

“I like how they smell not how they look” he shrugged.

“But they are pretty too”

“Like most flowers”

Woohyun clicked his tongue jokingly “Let’s just take some home”

“Sure thing” he smiled, telling himself, maybe for the fifth time that day, that it was their last stop because the guys would seriously fall asleep waiting for them.

As they got closer to the door he started having last-moment little doubts. Should he enter first? Or let Woohyun go in and wait outside? What were the others planning, exactly? He ended up bumping against the other man’s back for being distracted.

“Hey, watch it” his partner warned good-humoredly, finally unlocking the door “Were you listening to-? Oh, what the-?” he saw him stumble a little over something at the entrance “Did you shut the windows?” he reached out to the side to find the lights switch “I can’t see a damned- Oh, Holy fuck!”

“Happy belated Birthday!!” five voices shouted cheerfully the moment the lights went on, having Woohyun stumble back and against Sunggyu, one of the bags falling to the floor.

He tried to stop the snicker while two long, confused seconds went by with Woohyun staring wide eyed at the five men that had suddenly came out of the shadows and way into his personal space, while a lazy rain of shiny red confetti fell around them. At least he knew the surprise had worked. When the man finally released a long breath and stood up straight again, Sunggyu sneaked inside and closed the door just in time for Woohyun to start with his adorable, dorky laughing fit. He smiled to the door when he heard the loud thanks and congratulations mixed up in what he knew was a effusive hug session. His back was still towards them when a hand held his arm and turned him around swiftly.

“You old pickle did this?” Woohyun’s face was inches from him, his grin going from side to side and his hands quickly taking purchase of Sunggyu’s face.

“I-…”

“He was the mastermind, yeah” he heard Sungyeol from behind the man.

“You brought them?” Woohyun asked then, pulling him closer.

“No” he tried shaking his head, referring to Myungsoo and Sungyeol, but was unable in Woohyun’s grasp “They came on their own, I just-“ his words were cut off by a pair of harsh lips against his own, backed up by several amused sounds from their friends.

"I don't care, thank you so much babe" Woohyun said earnestly, the silly pet name evidencing that he was really happy.

Not one to disregard a good praise, Sunggyu smiled back "Any time"

He looked around the place as the six others started a cheerful (and rather loud) conversation, noticing that the place had been slightly remodeled for the gathering. The couch had been thrown back a little, chairs brought from the kitchen, the coffee table was in the middle and full of food and drinks placed in perfect order. There was a red little table cloth and a matching red prettily wrapped box as a decoration. A red and white banner hung over the curtains of the big window stating: "Happy Birthday Namstar!", while a little pile of gifts sat under it. If all that wasn't enough, he could swear the apartment had been cleaned beyond reproach, yet not a trace of work had been left behind.

Knowing fully well the hand behind all of that, he turned to Sungjong, who was looking at him with a little smile and a tiny wink ready for him.

They wasted no time in starting to eat, their voices growing loud and their laughs unrestricted. Hours went by like that, between their friends and having a good time. They caught up to everyone's life; Sungjong's studies, Sungyeol's improving shop and Myungsoo's growing name among the japanese celebrities.

"I swear, that's why no girlfriend lasts with him" Sungyeol was saying with a full mouth "Receiving pictures of pretty celebrities showing him their outfits can be misunderstood, you know?"

"It's not my fault, I can't ignore them when they ask my advise" the young man defended himself "Some of them are my friends too"

"Seems like you made a name for yourself there" Sungjong commented lightly.

"You bet!" Sungyeol answered instead "He's been offered to be the main fashion advisor for a drama now!"

"Awesome!" Woohyun cheered, 

While Myungsoo smiled, his hand went to his neck in a shy manner and  Sunggyu's eyes abruptly flew down to the spot, waiting for the hand to uncover the skin, searching for something, anything. It was an impulse he didn't understand too well, and aprehension strangely bubbled inside him. He blinked his eyes away, though, shaking the ugly feelings and forcing himself to forget about whatever had tried to step into his mind.  _Not now_ , he thought,  _not today_ .

"So..." he heard a voice behind him as he walked to the kitchen in search for more napkins (which, by the way, were red too).

He threw a glance over his shoulder to smile at the graceful man following him "Yeah, Jong?"

"Having a good time?"

"I guess I am, why?"

"Nothing, just asking" the other shrugged.

Sunggyu sighed softly, a smile still on his face, and turned fully to his friend "Right. Now, come on, what is it?"

Sungjong shrugged again and leaned against the counter "Woohyun told me you were having a tough time"

"Oh, did he now?" he muttered, not really surprised "Nothing out of the ordinary, though"

"He also told me you were having nightmares" he went on, raising a hand to Sunggyu when he tried to interrupt "Let me clarify,  _frequent_  nightmares, every night and seemingly very... Perturbing for you"

He eyed the other for a second, trying to foresee where the question was intended to lead, but guessed there was no point in denying what his friend seemed to know from solid sources.

"Well, yeah. I've been having some... uneasy dreams" he averted his eyes, not really wanting to give too much importance to the matter "But that's it, I mean it's just dreams"

"It seems to be doing a number on you, honestly" Sungjong commented, to what Sunggyu could not help the raised eyebrow. The other man went on in a careful tone "Woohyun told me you weren't sleeping well, that you woke up really agitated and put off, even nauseous"

"I... uh, yeah, but-"

"You don"t look too well either, hyung"

He heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes tiredly "Look, I know. I'm just tired, it's true that I haven't been resting well and work's been a bitch the last days... I guess I'm just a little worn out"

"A little does not sound accurate to me"

"Jong-" he tried to protest, but was interrupted.

"Woohyun is worried, you know?"

The words died on his tongue, and he slumped his shoulders "What...? Just, what do you want me to do? I can't solve this like..." another sigh "Forget about it"

"Don't you remember what the nightmares are about?"

"No, not really. They're just messy and confusing"

"Is there anything you recognize?"

"I... Are we on a session or something?" He asked crossing his arms.

Sungjong's sudden childlike smile made him scoff in amusement "What? What's wrong on making use of what I learn?" he asked "I'm one of the best students of my year," he added in a defensive tone "and only  _months_ away from my title"

"I wouldn't doubt it for a second, but I don't need therapy Jong" he reassured, then took the red napkins and walked to the door, patting his friend's shoulder on his way "Thanks, though"

The afternoon let way to the night swiftly, Sunggyu felt time go quickly and so effortlesly that when the clock showed him it was nearly 10 pm, he had to do a double take to make sure he was reading it right. Things were going so calmly and smooth...

Until his phone rung. It would have been alright if it were his own phone, or the apartment's phone.  But it was the other one, the one that still had the annoying, shrill classic bell ringtone, the one he had buried inside his bag, purposely forgoten for the weekend. He felt his whole body tense up at the sound, all his relaxation and enjoyment drain from him and replaced by a diluted form of work stress that remained in him from the barely past week.

"Is that your phone?" Woohyun asked him confused, and a little annoyed, if he knew him well enough.

"I'm afraid" he sighed, running his fingers through his hair and gathering all his will power to make himself stand up from the couch.

"But that's your work phone" Dongwoo said, a little frown on his forehead while his smile held on his lips.

"Believe me, I know"

"Don't pick up man" Sungyeol interceded from his spot beside Myungsoo.

"I wish it was so easy" he walked to the room, feeling very clearly the eyes of Woohyun on his back and the silence from everyone else.

His mood fell even lower when he saw the number in the screen, recognizing immediately it was his boss.

"Yes?" he said weary, holding back the suffering sigh when the man on the other side of the line threw himself into a long and one sided explanation of a very urgent matter that needed his attention "Wait..." he tried to step in, already knowing the reason of the call "That... No, I know... Yes, I  _know_  that well enough" he rubbed at his eyes, feeling the tension fall back on his shoulders and his hand tighten around the phone "No, I know that... Yes... No, I didn't... Because I didn't imagine it would happen" he rolled his eyes and started pacing around the room "I-... Oh God, could you-...?" his hand took grip of his hair as the other man grew even more restless, going on importance and consequences of things Sunggyu's brain was starting to go haywire over "I... I know... Jus-..." he groaned aloud and kicked the floor in irritation. His boss wouldn't slow down, already in one of his anxious outbursts that made him want to have everything done at the moment and solved immediately, urgency in everything he asked and absolute priority in whatever bothered his attention in that precise moment. Any other time, Sunggyu would have taken it with his trained patience, but he found himself unable to reach for it, the other man's urging and prompting and pushing was rubbing his nerves raw to the point of feeling his breathing kick up and his fingers tremble "I know" he mumbled to himself, wanting nothing but to crawl in his bed and never get up again "Yes, I'm listening... What? ... No, there's no need for that!" he almost yelled "Because it's fixable-... No, it is, there's absolute no need for them to interfere, it would only make things worse-... Because it has happened before!" his hand started feling numb, probably because of the strength he was using to hold the phone, so he passed the object to his right "Why do you think this even happened?! Because I had to clean up all the holes and blocks they left after they messed up with-…! No, it has nothing to do with that!” he kept walking, breathing deeply to calm down the rushed beating of his heart, but not managing to do so “No, I do not have my computer with me-… Because it’s damn weekend and I worked a hell of a lot of extra hours to make sure something like this  _wouldn’t happen_!” he shook his left hand, feeling the little pinches reaching way up over his arm “No, this like you calling on a Saturday night and demanding for me to work from my home to fix something that can be done next week-! … No, it’s  _not_!”

“Sunggyu…” he heard Woohyun’s voice somewhere near him.

The man was standing on the doorway, Dongwoo’s worried face behind him. He understood then that he was probably yelling, but he had no time to dwell on it much as his boss kept on rambling on his own. He could only feel even angrier and more frustrated by the whole situation.

“No!... No, no way! I’m not going to go fetch the damned thing from anywhere! I’m not going to do a single thing! I won’t type a single freaking thing until Monday! If you want this solved you’ll do it yourself or you’ll wait until next week when my working hours start! And if you call any of those stupid good for nothings you’ll find yourself in even deeper shit that now!” he yelled into the receiver, breathing hard and not willing to put up with any of that crap for any longer “No, I’m not calming the fuck down! You start looking properly at the situation before trying to drop the bag of shit on me! I can’t see the future and I can’t work miracles either! So stop expecting me to do so-!!” he swallowed a big gulp of air when a sharp pain pierced his chest and left him breathless, his vision already beating along his head and his left arm sunk in prickly numbness “I’m not...” he rasped between gasps, dropping the phone from his shaky hand to take it to the piercing ache pressed near his heart.

“ _Sunggyu!_ ” he heard someone call, the voice grave and echoing, and still recognizably Woohyun’s “ _Hyung!_ ”

He tried to speak, but his throat refused to obey, the pain in his chest dull and so oppressing that he felt like he was asphyxiating. He could not understand what he felt properly anymore, but he was facing the ceiling suddenly, numbness, tiredness and pain mixing up and making a tangle of his perception. Woohyun was above him, his face contorted in worry and surprise, Dongwoo was next to him. Words and calls blurred into voices and yells, faces around him dimming and moving, going back and forth and changing in ways he wasn’t sure were real or his imagination.

Woohyun was there still, then Howon changed into Dongwoo, and Myungsoo’s collected demeanor crumbled down into a boyish mask of fear that he could barely recall from years past. They all looked so very tired all of a sudden, weary and scared shitless, hair messy, faces flushed and sweaty, and then Woohyun was crying and more people around that he could remember. They looked strange, the room looked strange, everything looked strange. He didn’t understand anything anymore, they all looked different and still the same, he didn’t know if he was dreaming or maybe already passed out? Who were all these people? What was going on with his friends? Had he hung up on his boss? Should he close his eyes? Should try to stay awake? Was he even awake anymore? He didn’t know, he couldn’t know.

Something deep inside him stepped through, and it made him feel so out of place and alone, so uncertain and distressed. He knew then that this had been coming all along, he knew that something inside him knew more than what he thought he knew.

He took a last breath, as much as he could, and felt it, the scent, fresh and sweet and so very comforting even then; the flowers in the vase, they had to be somewhere…

 


	6. V

There's a white ceiling above him, light entering through the window and the murmur of sounds near, but not enough. He focuses in breathing for a while, concentrating on his heartbeat and the feeling of the sheets under him, his fingers brushing the mattress softly, his neck turning minimally over the pillow. He feels uncomfortable, something on his face, cold air hitting his nose and an irritating pull somewhere over his arms; it hurts, all the way to his hands.

He takes a deep breath that lingers in his throath in a strange way, and looks around. It’s a white walled room, a single window on the side, a door opposite. There’s a small table, a few scattered candies and a half empty water bottle, two phones and there it is, the vase, thin and slender, and the big leafed flowers, the white petals growing yellowish at the edges. He tries to find their scent, but then he feels the air sharp and cold in his nostrils and huffs against it.

A groan startles him, and someone is stirring awake beside him. A head of messy hair resting over a pair of crossed arms, and only then he notices the man sitting on a chair next to his bed. The man looks up in sleepy confusion, a second goes by, then there's a loud gasp, his eyes go wide and he jumps from his seat.

“Sunggyu!” Woohyun calls leaning over him with a face that shows surprise, relief, confusion and who knows what else “Oh God, you’re awake!” a shaky smile crawls over the plump lips and a watery glitter floods his eyes. Sunggyu tries to speak, but he can’t, a strange growl comes out instead, and he finds himself coughing over the failed attempt “N-no, wait… This, uh, I-I don’t know…” Woohyun fumbles with his hand, hovering uncertainly over Sunggyu and apparently not knowing what to do with his overall self. It’s a show of childish clumsiness that breaks a little out of his usual gentle demeanor.

Voices grow suddenly near and the door opens, letting a couple of people inside "Woohyun, go eat something, we-"

There’s a moment of silence as he looks at the newcomers, their eyes showing surprise in different but still quite funny ways until they all but launch themselves towards his bed, their voices stepping all over the other’s. The noise bothers him, it makes him dizzy and slightly confused. Again he tries to speak, but his brain seems unable to make the conection with his vocal chords. He groans instead, but it makes him cough again, and he grows tired of whatever thing is attached to his face, so he laboriously starts trying to pull a hand from under the sheets to reach up. Myungsoo stutters a few sounds as he reaches forward to stop him with a trembling hand.

“W-wait, hyung, I-I don’t know if you can take that off... yet” he says, eyes big, shiny and insistent, voice quivery and funny “Woohyun hyung?” he sniffs, and then turns to the man in question, who is still staring at Sunggyu with teary eyes.

“I don’t know” is the breathed answer.

“Oh, we should tell the rest” Dongwoo says, right before a messy, wet sniff and a big quaky smile, then he walks out.

Feeling tired and a little sick, Sunggyu groans weakly and shifts on the bed, trying to get a little more comfortable. Immediately, he has the two men fumbling over him and throwing cover after cover over him, then passing a pillow among each other, doubting how to procede. _Damn it, I'm not made of glass,_ he thinks annoyed. Before he could even make a sound about the whole thing, the door bursts open again, and more people barge in.

Then he’s confused, because what the hell is the office's security guard doing there?

“Oh, thank God, Sunggyu, you’re awake!” the man says walking over to him “This is good, this is definitely good” the man smiles, nodding and looking around for a bit “Ok, ok, uh… You just… Yeah, you- Guys, you can't all be here, you have to go” he says, to what the other three protest childishly "They won't let us stay around if we cause trouble, come on, only one can stay, you know the rules" he turns again to Sunggyu and sighs loudly, a tired smile on his face before his eyes go slightly wide "Oh, I should call the boss" Cho mumbles, taking a step back and then towards the bed again “No, let’s wait for the doctor first, yeah”

When a long intake of air leaves him with a sore nose and a coughing fit again, he has had enough and decisively throws his hand up and against the thing that annoys him so much. He doesn't manage to reach his face when at least two hands stop him, but even if they didn't,  the little movement has him so exhausted than his limbs melt limply on the bed and his eyelids drop heavily.

"Oh, no, no, hyung don't-!" he hears Woohyun's nervous voice.

"It's ok, boys, don't panic" Cho says, apparently trying to quell similar anxiousness in the rest of the guys "Remember what the doctor said..."

Someone speaks, Dongwoo, he thinks, but he can't focus on the words anymore, his head feels cottoned and his body distant and disconnected. His eyes won't open again, and some uncertain time later, it's all darkness and a drowned murmur.

 

* * *

 

Woohyun was there again, seating at his side and holding his hand softly. The room was quiet, the dim light of a late afternoon flooding the place and painting the white walls in a diluted orange. It seemed bigger, the room, and Woohyun looked calmer, more centered, though still evidently worried.

"How are you feeling?" the man asked gently.

Sunggyu shrugged and cleared his throat “Tired, I guess” he croaked.

Woohyun nodded pensively, his fingers caressing at the back of his hand “You do know what happened, right?” he asked, his voice grave and tight.

He knew, and he knew his boyfriend was very unhappy about it as much as the reasons it had caused it “I know… I suppose”

“You suppose…” the other man repeated before looking at him right in the eyes “You are taking a break- no, you're quiting that job, you hear me?”

His eyebrows raised a little as he held back a very inopportune chuckle “Um…” he shook his head slightly “Sorry, but what?”

“You _need_ a break, Gyu” Woohyun leaned forward, his expression deepening the lines of worry and his tone taking a turn to plain pleading “You can’t go on like this, look what it did to you”

“Hyun, alright, don’t get upset-“

“ _Don_ _’_ _t get upset_?, are you fucking kidding with me Sunggyu?”

“What? No, I’m trying to-“

“You nearly died, ok?” the man stressed, obviously forcing his voice down not to yell.

“I know”

“It doesn’t look like it-”

“I _know_ , alright? Who do you think felt the whole number back then?”

“Well then don’t tell me not to get upset, damn it!”

“Calm down- No, don’t start again” he glared lightly to make his point clear just as the other opened his mouth to protest “ _I get it_ , but it’s not going to help me in the least to see you all worked up. I need to… I need you to stay calm so _I_ can stay calm too, ok?” he turned his hand to press weakly at Woohyun’s fingers “Please?”

He felt almost guilty to see Woohyun’s face melt back into pure worry and concern, some guilt of his own marring his brow as he nodded slowly “Right, sorry”

“Don’t be, I’m kind of freaked out too, you know? Just trying not to… Well, freak out”

Woohyun chuckled weakly and took their linked hands to his mouth, pressing a warm kiss to Sunggyu’s knuckles “Geez…” he breathed out, leaning his forehead against their fingers and keeping quiet for a moment. Sunggyu didn’t dare say anything, knowing full well that the other man was dealing with something in his head. A sigh and slumped shoulders was all he got before Woohyun spoke again, voice thin and weak “I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life before”

“Hyun-“

“No, wait… I’m… I mean, for a moment then I really thought… You know…”

“Mh” he could guess what he meant, and it honestly made his stomach twist in disturbance. He didn’t know what to say to that besides that he was still there, but he suddenly didn’t feel like talking about that, instead he pulled at Woohyun’s hand and shifted to the side “Come here?”

“Where?” Woohyun asked in a suspiciously nasal voice.

“Here, beside me” he patted the mattress softly.

“I don’t fit”

“Nonsense, climb up, come on”

“We’re going to get scolded” the other sniffled, but complied though.

“By who? Don’t worry Hyunie, just stay here with me” he waited until the man was settled to wrap his arms around him and pull him as close as he could, trying not to think too much about anything and just relishing in the fact that he could still hug Woohyun to his heart content. The perturbing feeling wouldn’t leave, though, so he tried to distract his own mind “When did the other guys leave?”

“Few hours ago” was the quiet response, muffled against his neck “Dongwoo was determined to call your boss and tell him about it”

“Did he?”

“He totally did”

“And?”

“Well, the guy had some idea, I mean you did lose your head over the phone and then just… Anyway, I’m pretty sure he heard all our panic circus too”

“Yeah… I guess I should apologize later”

“What?” Woohyun lifted his head swiftly, his brows almost touching under his frown “Apologize? You? What are you talking about? He was the one calling you on a weekend and absolutely out of working hours!”

“I know, but, let’s accept it Hyun, I went crazy on him-”

“You-“

“Woohyun, please, let me” the other huffed, but didn’t interrupt and dropped his head back over Sunggyu’s shoulder “Thanks. What I meant was that he did nothing... out of the ordinary. He sometimes calls me on weekends, you know that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t usually push his requests to the following week when I can, right?”

“I guess”

“He’s just like that, getting all worked up over something and unable to see past the immediate moment until someone makes him stop. It's how he functions, how he always has”

“Still, he shouldn’t do that”

“I know, I feel like apologizing because he probably didn’t understand what the hell was wrong with me, he’s been away the past week”

“Whatever, maybe now he’ll think twice before calling you out of your working hours”

“Maybe, that’d be a nice side effect” he allowed himself a little smile and a long moment of silence and just enjoying the simplicity of being permited to wake up again. He felt a little bad, though, about having ruined Woohyun's birthday... again. He must have scared the guys too, seeing they were all there when he woke up... Then he remembered something, and tilted his head in confusion “What I wonder is… What the hell was Cho doing in here?”

He felt Woohyun shift his head over his shoulder to look up at him “What?”

“Before, you know, when you all were here?”

“Yeah?”

“Why was Cho here?” he looked at the other man, who blinked confusedly at him “You know Kim and Cho? The security guys at the office?”

“Yeah, I do know them but… they weren’t here Gyu”

He took a second to feel confused too “But… I saw him, just before I fell asleep again, you guys talked to him…”

“Gyu…” Woohyun trailed off for a second, his face showing doubt “You didn’t… I mean, this is the first time you wake up”

“What?” he couldn’t help to lift his eyebrows in surprise “But I… Didn’t I…?”

“No… When the guys came here you were still unconscious, and it was just the six of us”

Sunggyu trained his eyes on the opposite wall, already dark as the sun had disappeared for the day, and focused on calming down “Alright” he muttered.

“You probably dreamt it, Gyu”

“Probably, yeah”

“You ok?”

“Sure” he turned a weary smile to Woohyun and made himself comfortable on the bed, wanting to fall asleep and have time in the hospital just pass quickly “Just feeling a little tired”

“Do you want me to go?”

“Absolutely not” he tightened his hold on the man and breathed deeply, then snapped his eyes open and looked to the side.

There they were, bright red and still, the flowers on the thin vase now seemed oddly out of place.

 

* * *

 

Next time he wakes up, he's alone. It makes him really anxious, it makes him angry even, and all the little sensations over his body are so bothering that all he wants is to get up and find someone.

He tries, but he manages only to shift his legs and arms, raising his head a little from the pillow makes the room spin and he turns to the side with a suffering groan.

He's too focused in making the floor stop moving to notice people entering the room, and it startles him violently when a pair of hands hold him by the shoulders. He gets startled and trashes weakly, feeling his legs heavy and his arms disturbingly pulled at some points.

"Calm down, Sunggyu" he hears someone say, a very familiar voice, so he turns around "It's me, it's ok"

Sunggyu blinks slowly and then frowns deeply. _And what the hell are you doing here again?_ , he wants to ask the man, but he just can't. Cho, the security guy from the day shift looks at him confused, then slightly worried.

"Hyung? What is it?" it's Sungyeol, and Sunggyu turns toward his friend in hopes to make himself understood.

All he manages is a little coughing fit.

"Easy, Gyu, just... uh, try to make signs if you can't speak" Cho says, but Sunggyu throws him another heavily confused and suspicios look, and the man steps back a little.

"What's wrong, hyung?" Sungyeol asks Cho "Why is he looking at you like that? What did you do?"

"What? I didn't do a thing, Sungyeol" the man returns a worried look at Sunggyu and then sighs "Maybe he doesn't recognize me?" his voice sounded almost hurt.

"What? Wait, is that even possible?" Sungyeol looks shocked.

Sunggyu wants to hit himself and the two of them for good meassure. He did recognize the man very well, and they got along just wonderfully, Cho was a really cool guy and all, but from that to having him there and acting like close pals or something like that... And then Sungyeol calling Cho _hyung_ and acting shocked over Sunggyu's confusion. The two of them didn't even know each othet in the first place!

"Yes, the doctor said he would probably be very... confused, but it's ok, he's been doing really well"

"But..." Sungyeol looks at him doubtfuly and then walks to the side of his bed "You remember _me_ , right?"

Sunggyu actually rolls his eyes to that before nodding tiredly, but that seems to be enough for the younger guy to smile in evident releif.

The door then opens and two more men enter the room. Sunggyu blinks slugishly at the new people, already feeling his consiousnes slipping away from him. He hears them talking and then someone calls him. He forces his eyes open to see Myungsoo leaning over him with a worried face. His eyes fall unconsciously to the other's neck.

He stares confusedly, thinking he must be seeing things. There's an ugly gash there, on the side, looking healed but still new, and his stomach goes cold at the sight. _That wasn't there before, what happened to him?_ But suddenly Myungsoo covers his neck with a hand that goes white in the knuckles under the pressure he applies, his face is twisted in a heavy feeling that looks like concern or guilt, maybe a little bit of fear, and steps back a little.

He doesn't ask about it, he doesn't have the strength to do so.

"I think you should stay with him for now" he hears Cho say near the door "He doesn't seem to recognize me and we should not make him nervous" he is saying, and when Sunggyu looks in curiosity to who he is speaking to, he wants to kick and whine like a kid, becaue it's Kim, the security guard fron the night shift and it doesn't make any sense!

"Alright, I'll let the rest know" Kim says nontheles "Any other... thing I should know?"

"No, he seems fine. Still doesn't speak..." Cho explains in a distant voice. Kim says something Sunggyu can't understand, then it's Cho again "The time was really short..." the voices come and go, and he knows he's about to fall asleep again.

The door opens again, there's some hushed arguing, then Woohyun's voice " _He's awake?_... _Not fair_... _your flowers... you, hyung?_ "

He smells the flowers, fresh and close, he forces his eyelids up, only a tiny bit, all he can muster, and catches a glimpse of Woohyun's face and a blur of white in his hands. He tries to wake up, to listen, to understand, but again, he just can't, and he feels himself sinking in the dark numbness. 

But there is one last question going in circles in his head, one that just now he realises he should have asked him before...

_Why are you calling me **hyung**?_

 

* * *

 

Dongwoo and Howon visited him the next day, with news of his boss feeling twenty different kinds of guilty over what happened and some concern and good wishes from several coworkers, including both Kim and Cho from the security staff. He chose not to say anything about it, reminding himself it had been another dream. A strange, very vivid and ongoing dream, but unreal in the end. He asked about Sungyeol and Myungsoo, and was sad to hear that they were returning to Japan in only two hours, so they were already heading for the airport.

"They said they’d call the moment they arrived and that we should tell them if anything happened"

"Let's hope there's nothing to inform them, then" he muttered.

"Good news are also something to tell them, you know" Howon said, seating sprawled on the chair beside his bed. Dongwoo pulled out his phone and started typing away “And Dongwoo’s telling them pretty much everything anyway”

“Ah, come on, man”

“They asked for it, and they’re not complaining” the other man shrugged, still focused on tapping at the screen.

He only sighed and shook his head knowing a loosing battle when he saw it. He opted to try and go back to sleep, as he knew that the other two would have to leave soon enough, their lunch time almost over. He turned his head to the side and closed his eyes, trying to make himself comfortable.

Soon after, he heard his friends talk with each other in hushed voices and an amused smile stretched his lips "I'm still awake guys" he said.

He forced one eye open and then both, blinking against the light that fell from behind the little bedside table. He blinked in wonder at the slender vase. It was empty-

"Hey!"

"What?" he turned to his friends.

"I asked you if you needed me to do something at work for you" Howon repeated.

"Oh... uh, I... I don't know?"

Both men blinked at him in surprise "You don't know?" Dongwoo echoed "Oh, _wow_ "

"What? I really don't" he shrugged defensively "Why are you acting so shocked anyway, it's not like I live for my job or anything- Don't make those faces, I'm _not_ a workaholic, damnit. We've had this conversation before guys, spare me the bother" he rubbed his eyes tiredly and then huffed slightly annoyed, trying to change the subject not to think about his incapability to remember what he had to do at work "Where are my flowers anyway?"

"What flowers...? Oh, right!" Dongwoo's eyes went comically wide as he turned to Howon "I told you we were forgeting something on our way here!"

"Well, not my fault" the other shrugged.

"You could have reminded me, Woohyun told the both of us, you know?"

"He was looking at you-"

"Ah, forget about it" he waved the man off and turned to Sunggyu again, smiling widely "Don't worry, I'll bring them after work, ok?"

Sunggyu furrowed his brow and pursued his mouth, though, still trying to force his brain to remember what the freaking hell he was supposed to be doing at work while listening to his friends "What are you talking about? Woohyun brought some... yesterday?"

"Yesterday? When? We threw the old ones last night when you were sleeping"

"Guys, he brought the new ones, he had them in his hands right in front of me and-... oh..." he trailed off when he realised he was talking about the damned dream "I... uh, nevermind... I guess I'm... Oh, that's right! You need to fill in the monthly report for the sales sub-divisions" he announced thriumpantly, letting out a breath of releif.

Dongwoo let out a soft chuckle and Howon rolled his eyes, but assured him that would be done.

Woohyun entered the room some hours later, smiling at him and then looking at the empty vase and frowning slightly "Didn't the guys buy the flowers?  Do I have to do everything myself, damnit?"

"They forgot, but they said they'll bring them after work" Sunggyu replied, extending his arms towards the other in silent request for a proper greeting "Though they should stop spending so much time here, I mean I appreciate it but they have lives to-" a noisy kiss interrupted him for a second and then he finished "-take care of"

"They are still a little worried, we all are"

"I'm fine already"

Woohyun hummed and sat beside him, placing a hand over his and pressing gently "They want to be sure, they got a little scared"

"Well, that makes quite a few of us" he commented lightly, playing absentmindedly with the other's fingers for a while as they kept quiet "How's work?"

The other shrugged "There"

Sunggyu raised a suspicious eyebrow when Woohyun avoided his eyes "Hyun... Are you even going?"

"Well..."

"Hyun! I knew you were too early-"

"I _am_ going! Just for reduced hours"

"See what I'm talking about? You are all overly worried guys, I'm fine. It's been two... two days..." he trailed off and then asked "How long has it been?"

"Four days Gyu" Woohyun answered with a little frown.

"Oh..." he blinked and sighed "I guess I'm still a little confused"

"Yeah... "

"But nevermind, _four_ days, the more reason for all of you to calm down. Now, how was your day?" he jumped away from the matter, earning a doubtful glance before any other response.

Even though he wasn't feeling tired in any way and the sun was still entering the room in soft orange light, somehow, he fell asleep as Woohyun talked.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up at sometime during the afternoon, he thinks. He feels tired, a little disoriented and uncomfortable. There's that thing on his face again, and the disturbing pull at his arms, but this time ther's no one to stop him, so he laboriously raises one hand... Only to realise he really can't.

He glances down and looks at his arm in alarm; there are thin tubes going to his hands, and bands of pale fabric wrapping his wrists and holding them down to the bed. His skin looks sickly pale and his bluish veins can be seen beneath. It's not a pleasant sight.

Flooded by a wave of anxiety, he starts wriggling his wrists and pulling at the restraints, trying to get up and move his legs. When he accepts it's not going to happen without assistance, he groans defeated and a little offended, and looks to the window to his side. In the way, though, he sees the flowers on the vase, white and still fresh, they seem to glow under the sunlight. He wishes he could smell their perfume, but that damned thing on his face keeps getting on the way.

He gasps in surprise when the door opens, and turns to see Kim entering along with Myungsoo... Which makes no sense, _again_. For starters there's the eternal doubt about the security guys going to visit him, and then there's Myungsoo, who should be in Japan.

"What...?" he manages to croak, and he isn't sure if he should feel accomplished for being able to speak or worried for it being so complicated all of a sudden.

It is all forgotten when the other two jump startled and turn to him with eyes wide as plates. He would laugh if he could.

"Hyung!" Myungsoo walks to his side, his face still looking funny.

"Stay with him, I'll go get the others" Kim says before dissapearing again.

Myungsoo falters for a moment, leaning to the right and back until he shakes his head and pulls the chair neat to sit down "T-they allowed us to be all here... To... To help you... Maybe" he mumbles, his hands immediately latching at Sunggyu's arm. The feeling of the pressing fingers makes him realise that his arm is sore, and the inside of his elbow is really sensitive. Looking down, he realises it must be because of the adhesive that helps keep the damned tubes attached to his arms, it's really uncomfortable and it hurts a little, not to mention that the thought of needles sinking in his arms sends an umpleasant shiver down his spine.

He's at a loss about what is going on; he was damn fine the night before, so why is he now feeling so shitty, with who knows what dripping through the needles and his arms restrained? Had he had a turn to bad the previous night? Is that the reason for all of that? For Myungsoo's anxious behaviour? But even if that were to be the case, he's being held down like a madman, why would they do that to him? It puzzles him, worries him.

"Hyung?" Myungsoo's voice sounds careful.

He glances at his friend and tries to speak, but his voice is rather weak and the thing on his face, that he guesses now must be an oxygen mask of the sorts, muffles his words. He wants to take it off, but, once again, his arms are bound. He throws a miserable look at the other man and raises his weak hand as much as he can. Myungsoo glances at his arm and back at him, and a sudden guilty frown marres his handsome face.

"Oh, that! You see, I told them it was too much but... You woke up a couple of times and tried to take some things off, so they..." he waves vaguely towards his restraints and then huffes and reaches determined "I'll take them off for you, there's no need for these. Just... don't pull at the iv, ok?"

He nodds slowly, and the moment he can move his hands he pulls at the mask and takes a long breath that ends in a little coughing fit. Myungsoo hums doubtfully, but then lowers his hands and lets him be.

Before any of them can say anything, the door opens and more people get in. They all take about three seconds to rush to the bedside with mixed exclamations.

"Shut up" Sunggyu groans miserably, succesfully bringing silence around them. He runs his eyes over them and finally croaks out a weak "What'app'ned?" there's more silence, the other guys looking between each other as if asking for directions. It only confuses him more "Why are you bein' so weird..." he breaths deeply and goes on "It was all fine las' night"

"Hyung..." Myungsoo starts, directing a questioning glance to the rest "That's... I mean last night..."

"And whadare you even doin' 'ere?" he finally asks, his tongue heavy in his mouth and his words slurred beyond his control "both of you" he nods to Sungyeol, who blinks surprised at him.

"What do you mean?" the tall man asks.

"What...?" he opts for avoiding wasting words and breath, and goes to the point "You both should be 'n J'pan righ' now, why did ya come 'ack?..." a long breath "Wasn' Dongwoo keepin' you 'pdated? You can' keep going bag and for'..." he trailes off to breath deeply a few times and mentaly curse his drunk-like tongue before continuing "An' you too" he turns his eyes to Dongwoo and Howon "I really app...rreciate y'r concern but... whad... What time is it?"

"Uh..." Howon opens his mouth with a frown, looking a bit confused "three... I think"

He rolls his tongue in his mouth, stretching his lips one way and the other quickly before trying to speak again "You think? You guys shoul' be at the office, you can't keep..." he has to stop again, and he finds it really bothersome, but that stupid mask seems to have left him unable to speak properly "You need to keep things under control until I go back" he manages, his voice thick but his words complete.

"But hyung, what-?"

"And why in hell do you keep callin' me hyung? Wha's gotten into you all of a sudden-?" he starts coughing again.

"Hyung, I think you should put this back on" Sungjong held up the mask.

"And what are _you_ doing here?" he said between a few last rasps.

"Wha-?"

"You missed two days of class already, don' think I don't know. Weren't you telling me you were one of the best of your year? Don't you want to keep it that way?"

"Hyung-"

"Seriously guys, I really appreciate all your concern but I don' wan' you to... " he heaves a sigh and tries to catch his breath, his throat is a little sore and his voice slightly hoarse.

"Hyung... You need to put-"

"I'm fine" he insists "And you need to stop fretting over me, I'll be out t'morrow, right Hyun?" he turns to Woohyun, who is looking at him with a blank expression. He raised an eyebrow in question "Hyunnie?" he reaches out and holds the man's fingers loosely.

"I... What...?" Woohyun mumbles, looking around him and back to his hand "You..."

"Who said you were being released tomorrow?" Howon asks, shaking his head and rubbing his temples "And how on earth are you fine? You can barely talk without gasping for air! And what-?"

"Howon" Dongwoo interrupts, a hand on his friend's shoulder and a soft shake of head "Look, hyung" he turns back to Sunggyu "you are still... uh, in risk, so you're not leaving the hospital yet"

"What? But... the doctor said so yesterday" he protests in disappointment, breathing as if he had walked a mile in five minutes "Somethin' happened last night, right? Is that why you're all here again?"

He watches as they all exchange glances, looking at him with doubts and weird faces. It worries him, what could have happened to bring them all back? To delay his release and to put him in the need of an oxygen mask, iv and restraints when there had been none before. Myungsoo said he had tried to take off some of that before, but he couldn't remember...

"Listen-" Woohyun starts.

"What's going on?" he finally asks, feeling anxious and tired "Why are you acting weird?"

"Hyung-"

"Why are you calling me _hyung_?!" he snaps, feeling his throat protest.

"I-Hy-Sunggyu-"

"Why are Myungsoo and Sungyeol back?"

"Ok, Sunggyu, you-"

"Why are _all_ of you here? Why was I tied up? Why are these on me?!" he pulls at the IVs "What happened last night?"

"Sunggyu calm down"

"How-" he starts coughing again, and a headache builds between his eyes "Woohyun..."

"It's ok, Gyu, just put this on again, you can't take it off at once"

He dodges and pushes himself up, ignoring the pull of the needles and the lack of energy his body seems to suffer.

"Maybe you should try to sleep" Dongwoo offers walking near, his face showing clear anxiety as he glances towards the door when it opens.

"Guys, what's going on?" Kim asks walking in, an older man just behind him.

Sunggyu can't take the confusion any longer "And what are _you_ guys doing here?"

"What?"

"What are you doing here?" he repeats, and then turns to Dongwoo and Howon "Did you bring them? I honestly don't understand-" he coughs and gasps loudly, feeling his chest heavy and tired "What...? The security staff comes to see me but my damned boss-" a violent cough, he gasps for air "-doesn't?"

He finally accepts that he's having trouble breathing properly, and his eyes feel ridiculously heavy all of a sudden. He feels drowsy and falls back to the bed. He can see the unknown man beside his bed, his face serious as he holds something near the vials. It takes him a bit to understand what is going on, and the faces of his friends are evidence enough. He decides there’s nothing he can do about it at the moment, he can’t fight the induced sleep. He’ll try to understand later, when he wakes up, maybe he won’t pull at the damned IVs so the nurse guy won’t bother him.

He does feel a little guilty, because there is someone sobbing near him as his eyes finally fall closed.

 


	7. VI

“Good morning” the soft voice greeted him the very moment he opened his eyes to a bright ceiling. He turned his head and found himself inches away from Woohyun’s face “Slept well?”

He faltered a little, absolutely confused for a second, before he felt guilty and sighed through his nose “I’m… Yeah… I’m sorry about yesterday” he croaked sleepily.

He heard the other hum in question and a shift “Yesterday? It’s ok, Gyu”

“It’s not, Hyun, I… I freaked out and…” he rubbed his eyes, wanting nothing but to go back home and forget but all that happened “Just tell me what happened” he asked, looking at Woohyun almost pleadingly as the other furrowed his brow slightly.

“Gyu, I’m not sure what you’re asking about”

“Look-“ he started, but the late recognition of the freedom of his arms stopped him “Oh… It’s gone?”

“What is?”

“The… The restraints? And the IV” he let out a relieved breath “Ah, thank goodness. Alright, anyway, there must be a reason why those were all over me last night, right?”

“Gyu, there-“

“Just tell me, ok? It wasn’t pretty yesterday and I’d like to avoid another episode like that”

“Ok, listen, yesterday you slept like a rock, alright?”

“Well, yeah, I suppose after the nurse knocked me out with who knows what”

“What are you talking about?”

He looked at the other man with a tired frown “Seriously, Hyun… I’m confused enough as it is, please just tell me”

“I told you, babe, you slept the whole night” Woohyun leaned closer and held his hand tightly, talking in a soft, careful voice “I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Sunggyu stared into his boyfriend’s eyes for a while, trying to find the tiniest hint of a lie, but he couldn’t find any “But… “ he took a deep breath “What about Myungsoo and Sungyeol? Where are they right now?”

“What? They’re in Japan, didn’t you know?”

“I… I… I guess?” he closed his eyes and tried to calm down, already starting to feel anxious over the whole misunderstanding “Did Sungjong come here?”

“He’ll come this afternoon, I told him you’re being released and he wanted to come-”

“I’m being released?”

“W-Yeah, I-… Gyu, are you ok? We talked about this yesterday” Woohyun pressed at his hand a little, his voice sounding a bit doubtful.

“I… I don’t know? I’m just a little confused”

“Are you still having those weird nightmares?” Sunggyu kept quiet, not sure if it would be a good idea to tell Woohyun about it. One thing was to have strange, messy nightmares, but another very different was to _dream_ such elaborate scenarios that made him confuse what was real and what was not. Woohyun noticed his troubled expression and shifted in place “Just tell me the truth, ok? Are you still having nightmares?”

“I… Sort of?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s not like before… They’re not as… They’re pretty clear now”

“Clear? How?”

“It’s just… You… You are there, you know? You and everyone else… And it’s all like… Like this” he gestured around them “Like now, but different…”

Woohyun waited, but when Sunggyu didn’t say anything else, he nodded slowly and placed a hand over Sunggyu’s forehead “Ok, it’s alright, they’re just dreams-”

“They’re scarily real, Hyun” he interrupted, letting a little of his own worry seep through his words “I… I get confused… Sometimes” he bit his lip to shut himself up, suddenly feeling that it was a bad idea to talk about it. He took a calming breath and shook his head, attempting to smile at the other man, who was looking at him with a strange expression “Forget about it, I know they’re dreams, they’ve been slowing down anyway. It’ll stop at some point” he lied, then looked around for a way out f the subject and saw the pretty little flowers on the thin vase beside his bed “Oh, you brought them after all?”

“What did I bring?” he heard Woohyun ask, but he didn’t dare answer, because he didn’t remember anymore if it was in his dream or reality that Woohyun had brought the flowers “Gyu?”

“Uh… I mean, there’s…” he forced his brain to remember, to tell the truth from the dream “Those flowers”

“Oh, yeah, what about them?”

He was almost sure that Dongwoo and Howon had bought those ones, but there was something else bothering him, and it was running in circles in his head, trying to find an answer “They’re… Pink?”

“Uh, yeah? Do you…? Do you want me to turn on the lights… or…?” Woohyun trailed off confused.

“No… It’s ok” he said, his voice feeble and his brain tired of the questions.

He could feel Woohyun staring at him, he knew the man could perceive something was not right, he could feel his worry and the way everything he said only added to the man’s concern. That’s why he didn’t dare voice his doubt, even though he was dead sure that his favorite flowers, those that had that relaxing scent, the same he could smell right then, were _white_ , not pink.

 

* * *

He doesn’t dare to say anything, he just stares at the walls while the guys hover near him with uncertainty. He doesn’t know how or when he came back, but there they are, the restraints, the mask, the needles, the tired faces, the feeling of being drained of energy, the security guards… He doesn’t even know what to think anymore.

Minutes roll past, and he’s getting tired of doing nothing, tired of watching his friends exchange concerned looks. They don’t know what to do either, it seems.

He finally grows tired and chooses to give it a try “Can you…?” he clears his throat and tries again “Can you please take these off?” he asks, raising his hands a little, and looking pointedly at Woohyun, by his side. The other seems startled a little, looks around as if waiting for approval and gets a cautious nod from Kim. Then he carefully releases Sunggyu’s wrists “Thanks” he mumbles, doubting for a little moment before pulling at the mask.

“Are you sure…?” Dongwoo speaks in a tired, congested voice that Sunggyu recognizes very well, the guy has always been their crybaby after all.

“It’s really bothersome” he rasps, taking a big mouthful of air “I’ll be fine”

“Take it easy, ok?” Kim warns, and Sunggyu holds back a sharp retort “You can’t take it off at once, you’ve been using it for days”

He controls his surprise at that. _Days, I_ _’_ _ve been with that thing on me for days?_ , he thinks puzzled. He looks down to his wrists, the skin reddened around the adhesive and the marks of the soft bands that held his hands down not long go. _Did I have all of these_ _…_ _for days too?_

A nurse enters the room a little while later, and she helps putting a few pillows for him to sit up comfortably. He sees her checking on a machine to the side, something he just now notices and, his suspicions tell him, probably monitors his pulse... Or more, if the amount of values and flickering signals are any hint. He's just starting to follow the lines of cables when the nurse walks to his side to check the iv line and then asks him if he’s feeling any trouble breathing or any kind of pain. He denies it easily and she leaves soon after.

He allows himself to feel the little relief of being able to speak normally, at least.

“How are you feeling?” he hears Kim ask after a moment.

“Weird” he answers honestly.

“It’s ok” the man says “You’ll get better with time, you’re looking much better than the previous times” Sunggyu nods, not sure of what other response would be alright “What do you remember?” Kim asks then, and he curses in his head because he doesn’t know what to answer to that.

“Uh… I don’t… I’m not sure?” he manages, and sees the guys all staring intently at him. He feels interrogated “It’s kind of confusing… So far”

Kim nods, Dongwoo joins “It’s ok, hyung, the doctors told us you’d probably be very disoriented at first”

“They… Really?” he wonders.

“Yeah, they warned us about a lot of things” the man laughs congested and sniffs a little “But it’s ok, you’ve been doing really well so far”

“I’m… glad, I suppose”

There’s a strange exchange then, some of the guys seem optimistic in a resigned way, others still worried, Kim looks doubtful about something, until he speaks again.

“Listen, Sunggyu, I need to ask you something”

The tone of the man’s voice brings caution to his mind, but he nods nonetheless “Alright”

“Do you think… Do you feel that anything here is… Out of place? Strange?”

Sunggyu feels his heart jump a little in alarm, because Kim seems to know perfectly well that _yes_ , there are a lot of things that feel absolutely off. He doubts, should he answer truthfully or avoid trouble? What could happen if he were to tell them the truth?

“Some…” he trails off, his eyes suspicious and stubbornly directed to Kim.

“Some?” the man repeats, shifting in place and finally showing Sunggyu the worry that he had kept hidden until then “Like what?” he asks, but Sunggyu doesn’t answer, doesn’t really know how. Kim then sighs and throws a glance to the other guys, who seem to agree with something and nod to him “Is there anyone here that you… don’t recognize?” the man asks, his voice soft and unsure.

He blinks repeatedly at the question, swallows and runs his eyes all over the room before slowly shaking his head “No, I know you all…” he sees the tension roll off the shoulders of the people in the room, the relief tangible in the air and he understands finally where their attitudes come from; they mean no harm to him, they wouldn’t, because they’re the people he knows and always knew… Almost. He decides then that he should be honest with them, that maybe the best way to understand all of that is to make things clear for everyone. Or so he hopes “It’s not that I don’t recognize you” he says, having their attention back to him and some concern back in their eyes “But… Some things… Don’t fit”

“Like what?” Howon speaks.

“Like… “ he looks at his hands, suddenly not sure what to say. He looks up to them all, and _really_ looks at them. They look strange, all of them, they look tired, grim and a bit gloomy, but also… Younger, somehow. Their hair, their clothes, it all looks different, but still familiar to him. Kim doesn’t look like the security guard he greets every time he stays late at work, was it the lack of uniform? The different environment? The lines of concern and tiredness in his face? “I don’t know”

“You said…” Myungsoo speaks and stops abruptly; he seems to debate with himself a little and then continues “Do you remember Hyoan hyung?”

Sunggyu blinks surprised, because yes, he remembers that name. He thinks for a while and then nods. Myungsoo looks back at Kim and smiles a little.

“Oh, that’s good!” Kim says, letting out a little chuckle and patting his thighs “Ah, he’ll be so relieved, he thought you had forgotten about him or something”

He keeps quiet, glad that Cho would be relieved but wondering why Myungsoo, who wasn’t supposed to even know the man, called him by his first name. He finally makes up his minds and asks his friend “Do you know him?”

Myungsoo stares at him in confusion “What?”

“You know Cho?”

“ _Cho_?” Kim asks.

“Yeah, Cho, you just asked about him… Cho Hyoan?”

“I… I know him” Myungsoo says “We all know Hyoan hyung, why are you calling him _Cho_?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because… He’s…” Myungsoo turns his head, obviously looking for help.

“Sunggyu, you know Hyoan since years ago” Kim provides.

He nodds “Yes, I do know him since a long while, but I still don’t think it’s proper for me to call him _Hyoan hyung_ ”

“Why not? You’ve called him that since you knew him” Woohyun intercedes.

“No I haven’t” he refutes firmly “Are you going to tell me I’ve been calling Kim here _Jungryul hyung_ too?” he waves at Kim impatiently.

There’s silence in the room, all eyes on him and one or two mouth gaping slightly.

“ _Kim_?”

“Yes, Kim, that’s his surname, that’s how I call him. I call him Kim, he calls me Kim, and _you_ didn’t even know him days ago!” he turns to Myungsoo, who inches back in surprise.

“Hyung…” Woohyun pushes his chair near him, seemingly preparing himself to deal with a difficult situation, if his face didn’t lie “Let’s calm down and try to understand each other, ok?”

He rubs his eyes and nods, knowing that he was really close to make a scene again and he didn’t want it to end like the previous time “Ok, yeah, I’ll calm down, I’ll… Yeah”

“Alright, who is that man?” Woohyun asks him, pointing at Kim.

Sunggyu sighs, feeling a bit stupid but accepting the need for it “That’s Kim Jungryul”

“Alright, and who is he to you?”

“He’s… He’s the security guard at the office”

He hears the tiny gasp near him, and immediately knows that was a wrong answer.

“Ok…” Woohyun breaths out shakily “What office, hyung?”

He doubts, gripping the bed sheets in his weak fingers and looking around him unsure.

“It’s ok, hyung, we won’t say anything” Dongwoo smiles at him, but it’s so obvious that it’s a forced gesture.

He complies anyway “The office… Where I work” some nod, others just wait “And where you and Howon work too” he adds, to what both men widen their eyes and look at each other.

“Ok” Woohyun steps in again “What do you do there?”

“I’m… a… I’m… Financial manager?”

“Financial-… Alright” the other’s voice sounds weaker “And what is it that you do as… Manager?”

“Why is that…? I don’t-”

“Just… I just want to know”

“Why? You never ask about it, you hate my job, don’t you?”

That seems to take Woohyun, and all of them for that matter, by surprise “What?”

“You hate it, I know you do”

“I don’t even know what you do”

“Forget it”

“No, hyung, just tell me what is it that-?”

“Why do you keep calling me-? You know what? Never mind, it’s obvious you don’t believe that’s what I do, right?”

“Well… You don’t”

He scoffs, and it makes his throat hurt a bit “Right”

“Hyung, what do _I_ do for a living?” Sungyeol suddenly asks, his face serious and his brow furrowed.

“Why are you asking me?” he spats exasperated.

“I… I forgot suddenly” the man says “I need you to tell me what I do for a living” he insists, his face wavering between serious determination and concerned expectance.

“Wh-… I… I don’t know, ok?”

“But-“

“I _don’t_ _know_ ”

"You sure know-"

"Why would I?!"

"We're ba- I mean, w-we're friends, we live together-"

"No we don't, I barely see you!"

“Hyung-“

“You and Myungsoo live in freaking Japan, alright? And I can't remember what you do!”

“Japan?” Howon repeats in shock.

“Yes, Japan!”

“Alright, enough, all of you!" Kim scolds sternly, then turns to Sunggyu and soothes his tone "We need to calm down or they’ll have you sleeping again like last time”

Forcing himself to calm down, Sunggyu sinks in the pillows and closes his eyes. All the coming and going is more tiring than what he’d thought, his voice is worn and his breathing worked up again. He doesn’t want the stupid mask, though, so he tries to settle his pulse.

“Are you ok, hyung?” Woohyun asks in a wavery voice. Sunggyu plans to answer that yes, he’s fine, no need to worry, he’ll calm down _again_ … But he finds it hard. He wants to sleep again, doesn’t want to deal with all of that anymore. It’s easier when he’s on the other side, he wants to go back- “Hyung?”

He opens his eyes with some difficulty and glances at the man leaning over him “Why do you keep calling me hyung?” he wonders softly.

“But… You’re my hyung, you always tell us to-“ someone interrupts him, and Woohyun nods to his side, then looks back to him “Ok, nevermind”

Sunggyu just stares, trying to find that big difference that is making this Woohyun contrast with his Woohyun, because he does. They’re almost the same, but there’s something in this one that makes him… sadder. He frowns at the thought, he doesn’t want Woohyun sad. He can be tired, he can look worried, but why sad? Why… so distant?

“Woohyunnie…” he mumbles before he realizes, and Woohyun’s eyes go as wide as they can. Sunggyu chuckles weakly and moves his hand slowly until he touches the other’s fingers “What’s wrong?”

“What… Why?”

“You look down”

“I… I’m worried about you”

“Don’t be… I’ll be fine, Hyun, I’ll be out tomorrow, right?”

“W-…I… Hyung-I mean, Sunggyu-“

“Why are you acting so weird?”

“Weird? How?” Woohyun asks, his voice nothing but a whisper and his hand tense around Sunggyu’s.

“You call me hyung, then Sunggyu… You’re… Are you mad at me?”

The other man blinks “What? Mad? No, h-Sung-… Ah, no, I’m not mad at you” Sunggyu keeps staring, wondering what’s really wrong, why the nervous attitude, the awkwardness “Sunggyu?” it’s like the man doesn’t know what to do with himself around him, and it doesn’t make any sense. Why would he be so uncomfortable with him? Had something happened again? “Gyu?” Woohyun whispers, and it brings Sunggyu’s attention back to his concerned face.

He smiles “There you go...”

“What?”

“Don’t…” he eyelids fall a little, and he has to force them open “Don't forget to change them…”

“What are you talking about?”

“The flowers… The white ones?”

“Oh, yes, don’t worry, I’ll change them”

“Hm?” he laboriously turns his head to the side, and notices that the vase has only one white flower, its big petals bent down a little and yellowed at the edges. He smiles then “Yeah, those are…”

“I know, Gyu, those are your favorite” he hears the smile in Woohyun’s voice, but does not see it, because he falls asleep before he can.

 

* * *

They were alone, the rest hadn’t returned yet. The place was silent and calm, not like he didn’t enjoy the company of the other guys, but, once in a while, being alone at the apartment and unconcerned about anything that could happen outside like that was good too.

He remembers that Woohyun had been acting weird for the past few days, coming up to him like he was about to say something important, and then he would falter, turn around and leave. _No, never mind, hyung, it_ _’_ _s nothing important_ , or _I just forgot what I was going to say_ , then he would laugh and disappear.

Curious as he was, he chose to let it go... Every single time.

But that time, while the other five were out, Woohyun seemed to have had gathered the courage at last. That, or the little amount of alcohol they had consumed weighed more on him than Sunggyu thought.

“Hyung…” he had called “Hyung, you do like me now, right?”

Sunggyu turned to him, a curious eyebrow up “Yeah, why?”

“It’s not a white lie, is it?”

“Why would I lie, Woohyun?” he laughed.

“Just wanted to be sure”

“I like you Nam” he patted Woohyun’s shoulder and then pulled him closer to wrap him in a half hug “Why the doubts?”

“Because I like you too” was the answer.

“Well, perfect then, right?” he chuckled.

He got a hum in response and a head on his shoulder. He let it go again, guessing it had been a spur of the moment and focused back on the movie they were watching.

Minutes later, though, Woohyun tried again “I do like you, hyung”

He glanced down to his friend and nodded “Alright, I believe you”

“I really… “

“… Really?”

“I… “ there was a long sigh, and Sunggyu suddenly felt that there was something else going on.

He waited to see what Woohyun would say, forming doubts and questions in his head and pushing them back until he accepted that he would get nothing else unless he did something. Should he, though? He wasn’t sure if he could, or wanted to deal with… Whatever issue Woohyun was trying to approach, but guessed he should at least try.

“What is it, Hyun?” Woohyun shifted and looked up, his eyes filled with insecurity “Just tell me, it’s ok” he insisted, deciding right then that whatever was troubling his friend so much needed to be solved.

“You’re a really good friend”

“Uh… thanks?”

“Am I?”

“Yes, you are”

“You’re really important to me”

“I-… I don-“

“Am I… to you?”

Even through all the confused thoughts, he knew Woohyun wanted honesty at that moment, whatever the reasons, so he forced himself to get over his reluctance and talk the truth for him “Yes, you are”

Woohyun nodded, thinking about something before speaking again “I really don’t want to lose you… As my friend”

“Why would you?” he asked with a little suspicion, half fearing where the conversation would lead.

“I haven’t done anything bad, if you’re wondering”

“Oh, good, ok” he admitted “Then?”

“I just… I really don’t want to lose you… But…”

“Come on, Hyun, just tell me”

“… Because I really… _really_ _like_ you, hyung” Woohyun emphasized, tightening his hands into fists over his legs.

Sunggyu waited again, expecting the other to say something else, anything else to take all his suspicions to somewhere else. But there was nothing else. He watched as the other sat still, waiting, his shaky fingers were picking at the skin around his nails violently and he was biting his lips to the point of hurting himself.

Sunggyu still waited a bit more.

When the first tiny drop of blood peeked between nail and skin, Sunggyu shook himself from his mental standoff and searched for a way to act, but he couldn’t think clearly and his reaction ended up being a mixture of directions that his mind tried to follow at the same time.

“I don’t want to lose your _friendship_ either, Woohyun” was what he said, his voice grave and tense, the name at the end sounding like a slap even to his own face.

He watched as his friend jumped from his place and sighed exaggeratedly, rubbing his trembling hands on his pants and forcing a laugh out “Well, alright!” he said, louder than needed “That’s… That’s great! I just wanted… you know, to tell you that”

Sunggyu nodded from his place, trying to master his own heartbeat, feeling his face hard as if carved in stone “Sure”

“Alright… I’ll… I’ll go take a shower” Woohyun hurried away.

Sunggyu remembers that he was left in mild shock for a while, Woohyun had shut himself in his room early for the night and the rest of the guys had returned an hour or so later.

He remembers that he decided to bury that talk in his head, pretend it never happened, that the thought had never occurred to him, that Woohyun hadn’t meant what he thought he had. Nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing to regret.

But... it wasn’t like that. He remembered things differently, because _that_ had never happened at all. He would never do something like that, why would he push Woohyun away like that? Why would he ignore him so blatantly? He loved the man, they loved each other, didn’t they? That was not what had happened!

It had been in college, he remembered that, right? They met during a class, History of Economics, he remembered that very well. They liked each other, they became good friends, they spent a lot of time together and Sunggyu realized he liked the man beyond friendship. Then Woohyun dropped off, and he thought he’d lost his chance until the guy came back one day, meeting him at the end of a class of... Taxes? Yeah, that was it. He told him he had always hated economy and that he was studying music now, that he was sorry he didn’t tell him before but he wasn’t sure what to do about him. And when Sunggyu asked why, Woohyu told him that he may have feelings for him.

And then, it was _then_ that it happened, that he was confessed to. And he had been overjoyed, happy and relieved. He had confessed back and then the two of them had started dating and… _That_ was what had happened…

Then why…? Why did it feel so foreign? Why were his recolections so hollow? Why was this _other_ memory rooting so deep in his head? Why did it make him feel so regretful and guilty?

Why did it feel so painfuly real?


	8. VII

The curtains have been pulled apart so the day light could get in. He breathes deeply and smiles at the fresh scent of the white flowers near his bed. He has his hands free, the mask away, and he’s propped up on pillows again. He’s been trying to eat some disgustingly mushy thing they told him was food, but without much success.

“Come on, hyung” Woohyun pleads with a ridiculous pout.

“It’s disgusting” he repeats for the third time.

The other sighs and takes the tray away “Well, at least it didn’t make you sick or anything”

“No, it’s simply inedible”

Woohyun laughed heartily “ _Inedible_ , alright”

Sunggyu glances at the other, noticing again the distance, even over the honest smile on his lips, the space between them that proves the difference between one side and the other. He feels uncomfortable about it, he wants to breach it “Hyun” he calls, to what the other man responds a little unsure still.

“Y-Yeah… Gyu?”

He smiles at the name and pats his bed “Come here?”

“Uh, you sure?”

“Yeah”

Woohyun sits near him, his posture rigid and his hands held together “What is it?”

“Nothing, I was missing you” it’s painfully obvious by Woohyun’s face that he doesn’t understand what he means, so he tries to explain “You’ve… you’ve been distant lately”

“I’m… No, I haven’t”

“Yes, you have, Hyun. You sit as far away as you can from me, you look uncomfortable around me, you… You don’t even call me Gyu anymore”

Woohyun watches him for a moment of doubt and then presses his lips tight, his frown twitching lightly before he speaks “Well, I thought you would… appreciate some distance”

“What?”

“I mean, it’s obvious you… I’ve stepped over you comfort zone and then I…" Woohyun's swallows and clears his throat, his eyes fall on his lap and his hands start fumbling with each other "Well... You know, so I thought you’d definitely want me… Away”

“Wait, what? What are you talking about?”

“It’s ok, you know? I _was_ angry before, but I also screwed things up… Big time… I mean, look at you…” his voice weavers and he purposely avoids his eyes.

“Hyun” Sunggyu reaches for the other’s hand and presses it over his chest “You know I’m having trouble remembering some things, can you be more… Clear?”

Woohyun looks at him, his eyes all but regretful as he shakes his head “It’d be fine by me if you didn’t remember” he mumbles, dropping his eyes to their joined hands “If you really don’t remember…” he shrugs.

“Woohyun” he chides “Don’t be like that”

“Why not, I’ve been a pretty shitty friend so far, why not use it to my advantage?”

“What the-?” Sunggyu falters in his retort, fighting between the need to argue back and feeling kind of disoriented by the word _friend_.

“Do you really not remember?... Because” there a long, gloomy sigh, and then the voice comes a bit choked "I really don't want you to remember..."

“Remember what?” he breathes out.

“What happened”

“When? What are we talking about exactly?” Woohyun only stares at him, then drops his eyes and shrugs “So… What, are you my _friend_ now?” Sunggyu spats, a bit put off and annoyed.

Woohyun widens his eyes and a frown settles back on his face “Well I don’t know, maybe not even that anymore?” he mumbles sharply, pulling his hand free.

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t even know!”

“What are you-? What are _we_? Where are we standing exactly?”

“I… I don’t-” the other man stands up and walks around the room twice before sitting back on the bed, his hand going straight to Sunggyu’s and pressing it with bruising strength “ _You_ need to tell me that, hyung! I don’t know anymore!”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know if you hate me or if you still want me as you friend, or what”

“Why would I hate you?”

Woohyun opens his mouth a few times before managing to speak “Because… Because this is my fault, hyung” he whispered, chancing a look up and then looking down to his knees.

Sunggyu has to take a moment not to yell in frustration “This is not your fault Woohyun, how could it be?”

“Well you certainly don’t remember how things happened-”

“I do remember pretty well what happened and you had nothing to do with it”

“What happened then?” the man turns to him sharply, his lips trembling a bit.

“It was my job, Woohyun, I was really stressed, work piled up, people being idiots, the boss getting impatient and I ended up collapsing under the strain, that’s it. Where are _you_ in that equation?”

“Well, I was _not_ there!”

“Yes-… What?”

“I should have been there to _help_ you! I’m supposed to be your friend, to be your partner, to be your support and I wasn’t! I only added to your work, I pushed you against a corner-“

“You didn’t-“

“-because I was stressed out too and I was resented to you and I was too bottled up in my own self pity to realize that I was undermining you!” Woohyun finishes, his eyes glistening with stubborn moistness.

Sunggyu closes his eyes in frustration, a long sigh leaving him and he presses his free palm to his hurting head “Woohyun…” he opens his eyes when he hears the soft sobbing “Hyun” he leans forward, pulling at the other’s hands to bring him into a weak hug “Hyunnie, don’t cry, it’s wasn’t like that”

“It _was_ ” the other stresses.

“No, Hyun, I really don’t… It wasn’t like that, you didn’t add to my work in any way”

“Hyung!”

“What?”

“Stop… _Denying_ it, it doesn’t make it better, it doesn’t make it go away. I failed you, I failed to notice that you were at your limit, and I mixed my personal feelings in the middle of our job _and_ our friendship. I told you that I didn’t want to lose you as a friend, but I was tearing it apart-”

“Wait, Woohyun, wait”

“No, I shou-“

“Stop!” Woohyun jumps in his hold, big eyes startled “Just, wait right there… What do you mean…? You told me you didn’t want to lose me as a friend… You meant…?”

“I mean… That… That time... When we talked... When I-”

“ _That time_ …”

"You don't... Remember about that?" Woohyun ventures, a sliver of hesitant hope in his voice.

"No I. _.._ " Sunggyu trails off, a frown taking form in his face. It is hard to deny it when every fiber in his being tells him that he _does_ remember, even if he dislikes the notion that it had been a valid memory and not just an ugly dream "I do remember about that time" he finally concedes, his jaw clenaching a little under his frustration and lingering guilt.

“Oh" Woohyun's tone sounds resigned, and his hands immediately start picking around his nails "Well... L-look, I know you don’t want to talk about it, you made it pretty clear that you wanted to… forget about that, but… I also know that things have been worsening since then… I just didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but in the end…”

“So that’s why you’re so distant?”

“I guess… In some way”

“And that’s why you were angry at me”

“I wasn’t angry…" he stops and lets his shoulders fall miserably "Or, well, I was a little... A lot... But I had no real reason to" he hurries to add "I was more angry with myself than-“

“Again, stop”

“Now what?”

“Listen… You actually had a right to be mad, ok?”

“Hyung, there’s no need for you to-“

“Listen to me would you?” he waits until Woohyun nods “I… That time, it wasn’t right, ok? That’s not how it was supposed to happen, that’s not how I was supposed to…To react”

“It’s not like we had it scripted, hyung. I don’t blame you for the way you reacted, I shouldn't have acted like that...”

“Hyun… I _know_ that it wasn’t the way I wanted things to go”

There's a bit of expectant silence before Woohyun asks in a tiny voice “What do you mean?”

“I was… surprised. I was confused and I didn’t really know what to do, but what I did was just… Step aside and walk away, I avoided the matter” he glances up to Woohyun and waits until the man decides to return his look “I didn’t want to push you away, I didn’t want you to be distant, or uncomfortable around me, I don't want us... apart. I honestly miss you, Hyunnie”

Woohyun is looking at him with trembling lips again, and he can see the tears about to spill “But-”

“I do regret the way I reacted back then”

A loud, wet sniff, preceded the messy hug he got himself enveloped in, Woohyun’s arms around his neck and his face hidden in his neck.

“I don’t even know…” the man raises his head “I know… I know I should be thanking you and apologizing and everything but I need to know, Sunggyu… What does this…?” his face contorts in frustration and he hides it again against Sunggyu’s neck “I’m sorry, I have no right to be asking you-... I'm sorry”

But he knows, he knows what Woohyun was trying to ask, what he needed to know, and he understands. He has to be honest with himself now, he has to be true to what he feels, to what he’s been feeling, to what he felt. This Woohyun, what difference was there with the other one? What was it between them that made them so apart besides Sunggyu himself? He undoubtedly loves one of them, he knows that; at least one of him loves one of them, and he knows too that he regrets that the other side is out of balance, there are parts of him that are at odds with each other, and it's not right.

So why not leveling them? Why not fix whatever this other side of him has thrown astray? When he knows for certain that every part of him regrets it?

“Don’t be sorry Hyunnie, just don’t go away”

“I won’t” the man says against his skin “I won’t”

It feels like another little piece falling in its righful place.

 

* * *

 He’d been staring at the thin vase for a while, when the door opened and someone came in.

“Gyu, are you ready?” Woohyun asked him.

“Yes” he mumbled, not moving his eyes from the flowers.

“Alright, come on, Jongie just got to the bus station, he’ll go straight home and we’ll meet him there”

“Ok”

There was some rustle, and then Woohyun’s hands on his hips “What is it Gyu?”

“Nothing” he said, leaning back against the man and sighing deeply.

“Are you feeling alright?”

“Yes… Just a little… Strange”

“Strange how?”

“I don’t know… Things feel…" _foreign, so scarily foreign_ "Just strange"

Woohyun didn’t say anything for a while, simply hugging him and waiting. Sunggyu kept staring at the flowers, not daring to touch them. They looked tiny, fragile, slender and just… Wrong.

“Gyu, what is it?” there was a light note of concern in Woohyun’s voice as he insisted, and Sunggyu didn’t like it, but he didn’t want to lie either.

“Weren’t they white, Hyun?”

“What?”

“The flowers…” he doubted again.

“These ones? It’s the same I always get for you”

“Are they?”

“Yes, love, don’t you like them anymore?”

“No, it’s not that… I thought… I was sure they were white, and big and… Not like this” there was a kiss on his cheek and he turns his head to see Woohyun eyeing him with worry “Forget about it, I must be..." he sighed, lacking the will power to even make excuses "You go ahead and tell Jungryul hyung I’ll be there in a minute”

“Who?”

“Jung-… Uh… Jungryul?” he felt suddenly nervous, a bit scared of his own confusion.

He took a shaky breath and turned around to meet Woohyun's stare with his own confused one “Alright” the man gave him a smile, weak and concerned, before walking out.

Sunggyu was really lost, didn’t even know what he was talking about. He spared another glance to the vase, to the little fragile flowers in it. Their colors pale, pink, orange and a creamy white, their leaves little and scarce. He reached down and took the glass in his hands, brought it up to his nose and breathed out in relief when the familiar scent met his nose. Then he tried to touch them, the petals were really thin, coarse and rigid, as if made of paper.

_They were white_ , he thought, he knew. He left the vase on the table and walked out.

There was the hollownes again, all over him and inside, every part of him, and everything around him, all of it seemed wrong. He gripped at every sense of his being, every little sensation to feel attached to the world, to feel awake.

He wanted to go back home.

 

* * *

Sunggyu feels at the edge. Everything feels at the edge. He can’t even breathe properly, he’s angry, and frustrated and anxious and so very tired. There are so many things swirling around him that he can’t even pick up the triggering one. But there is.

"No!" a voice startles him, he can see his own eyes go wide right in front of him, over the dark shadows of his skin "How many times do I have to tell you? Do not step in front of him!"

Complains, muffled curses and tired limbs moving over the floor.

"And why don't you tell _him_ to move to the right? He's shifting our positions!" it's an accusation, sharp and angry, he knows, and it's towards him. His brow furrows deeper and he takes a little step to the right, not willing to let them see that he complied silently.

"He's in his right position, now start over!" again the first voice.

Music blasts in the room, echoing between the walls and shaking his aching head. He moves mechanically, automatically almost. _We won't make it on time,_ he hears himself think _, this is a disaster. Why couldn't he postpone the damned deadline? We won't make it-_

Someone yells in frustration, a few others yell back "We won't make it! We are a disaster!" it's like they read his mind.

"Not if you keep that attitude! Start! Over!"

_Why does he insist with the last minute makeovers? Why is everyone so-_?

"We need a break! We've been working nonstop for the last week! And I haven't slept since...what? Tuesday?"

_This is so not fair. It's not our fault! It's... It's not-_

"You'll take a break when you finish this damn song!"

_I can't beleive this is what I starved myself for, I left my family and my home for this? This is not... This is so messed up._

"We can't even think straight!"

_Why didn't I go to business school like dad wanted me to? Right now I could be-_

"And why don't _you_ say something?!" someone looks at him, a tired, angry face glaring him through the mirror " _You_ are the one who should be trying to cut us some slack!"

"He knows what priority-"

"Right! So the boys catching some sleep is absolutely not important, right?" _do you think **I** 've been sleeping at all since it all started?_ _**You** don't wake up to nightmares of knives and tires screeching, of blood and Myungsoo's-_ "Why don't you do something, huh? Besides standing to the side and just watching eveyone running aroun-"

"Woohyun, enough!" the voice interferes.

"No, it's not enough-!"

"Hyung, please"

"Shut up, Myungsoo! You think the same! All of you know I'm right!"

"But-"

"He's falling behind!" Woohyun turns around to face him through the mirror again "If you can't put yourself together and act like you have to then just go out there and let the media tear you apart! At least you would cut _us_ some slack!"

"Guys what's going on?"

"Hyoan hyung" Myungsoo's voice sounds pleading.

"You two again?"

"It's him!" _Of course it's me..._ _Now it's always me, right?_ "He's lacking, alright? We all can see it. He's been flopping around like a puppet since the whole thing with that fucking bitch-"

"There's nothing to be done about it now. It's too late for-"

"He could have used his freaking brain before-!"

"Before what?" he finally feels his thorath work the words out in a voice that trembles under the emotion, and it makes his stomach clench painfully, his pulse shooting skyward from his chest to the tip of his fingers "Would you rather have Myungsoo with a gaping hole?!"

"And what's that on his neck, then?"

"At least he's breathing!"

"You should have stoped it earlier! I told you, didn't I? I told you girlfriends were dangerous, but of course all mighty leader knew best!"

"I spoke to him, alright? How was I supposed to know those freaking stalkers would catch him with-?"

"Because it was bound to happen!"

"I can't see the future Woohyun!"

"But you should know the risks! And act on them!"

"I thought I had, ok?! I never imagined we had _psychopats_ around!"

"You could have avoided it-!"

"How?! I can't lock him up in his room and keep him on a leash-!"

"Stop using that as an excuse!"

" _Excuse_?!" he glares back at the reflection "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I should be asking you the same! Look at what you've become! You just stand in the corners pitying yourself, moping all around, being pushed from side to side, not even speaking a single word in our defense when we _need_ you to act the leader you're _supposed_ to be! Just look at you!" he wants nothing but to turn around and punch him right in the face "You're as good as nothing like this!" right on that freaking mouth, blow him a teeth or two maybe "You're completely useless-"

"Woohyun, you calm down or you are going to speak directly with the CEO" _Jungryul hyung, when did he come here?_

"Take me to talk to him then. I'll at least try to do something for us, unlike _him_!"

It feels so unfair, to be the punching bag for so many people and now this too? "What do you want me to do?!"

"Do your job!"

He honestly feels like crying, but he won't give them the pleasure "I am trying to do my job-!"

"You're just scared shitles that he'll finally get rid of you, so you keep nodding at everything he says with your tail between your legs like a good trained dog-"

"I don't-!"

"Well, guess what? You already fucked up bad enough to screw us all! It's all our heads they are after, so at least pull up your pants to save us the hospitalization!"

There's something hot and ugly bubbling up inside, and every part of him trembles with so much fury that he thinks he'll throw up before he can turn around and actually punch the motherfucker in the mouth.

He can hear them still arguing, the managers are scolding and threatening, the choreographer is sputtering something, pointing in every direction, towards him mostly. The rest of the group is still and quiet, just watching. He feels their eyes on his back, burning with silent accusations and blaming. He knows he fucked up, he gets it... But what could he have done? What would have they done in his place? What would have happened if he didn't-? _That's **not** an option! That's not-! _He shakes his head angrily, making the room spin _._ He stumbles forward, feeling sick to the stomach and wobbly on the legs, he sees his face pale and gaunt in the mirror, sweat over his skin and dark bags under his eyes. The rest of them just look, reflected faces of rigid avoidance, they keep their distance from him, as they've been doing since then... And it hurts him, deep and sharp between his ribs, because he needs their help, he needs their support, he needs _them_. Why can't they...? _Why...? Screw them if they think themselves better! At least **I** did something! And what do I get for it? This? They ignoring me, avoiding me, distrusting me, blaming me? Attacking me like this... This ungrateful bastartd! Does he think I didn't have my head chewed off already?! That I don't get enough shit from everyone else to last me the rest of my damned life?! That I don't hear them speaking behind me, that I don't know what's everyone's saying, writting about me?! Who does he think he is? Shameles little fucker! I could have you thrown out! I could have you fired and-! And why in hell do I have to take all of his shit? Why aren't the managers even trying to defend me? **They** didn't do anything either! They weren't even there, and that's their freaking job! Why am **I** supposed to-?!_ A water bottle hits the mirror near him, and it startles him so hard he chokes on his own spit.

"Man up!" he's yelled.

And that's all he can take. His throat closes up, he can feel the hot tears witheld in his eyes, forbiden to fall, he's shaking and his head pounds painfully along his heart, his legs and arms a little numb and his stomach is burning. He's lightheaded, sick, dizzy and asphyxiating, but so angry that he ignores it all and turns around. He wants to yell at him, at all of them, each and every one, he wants to slap them, shake them, push them and punch some faces, but he can't. Instead, his legs shake and tangle, his stomach twists and his chest hurts, his head spins and he spits something violently; it feels warm and dense and absolutely revolting. The floor hurts when he falls, hot and sweating and wheezing for air.

There are hands and yells, pulls and pushes, and he blacks out with all the bubbling anger and frustration eating him up from the inside.

 

* * *

He woke up startled, feeling lost and disoriented, trapped and scared and so very angry. His body shook almost out of control, a strange sound all around him, he couldn't get enough air inside, like he was suffocating all over again. He felt around him, looking for the light. A hand caught his wrist and he yelped in surprise.

“Gyu?” someone asked.

“What? Who’s-“

“Gyu, are you alright?”

“What the fuck?” he gasped and scrambled away, meeting the end of the bed and plummeting down.

“Gyu!” he finally recognized the voice “What is it? Are you ok?” Woohyun took his arm, but he swated it away "Wha-?"

"Get off me! What the fuck do you want?"

"W-what? Gyu, what-?"

“The heck just happened? Did I faint or something?”

“What? No, babe, you were sleeping”

“Sleeping?” he repeated still breathing hard “Oh shit" he throws his hands around to feel for his phone "What time is it? Are they still asleep?”

“All? Who?”

“God damnit! The guys, are they…? Ah, geez, the room’s spinning”

“Lay down again, love, it’s ok”

“Wha-… Love? What are you-?”

“Just calm down, ok?”

“Calm… Yeah, you all should calm the fuck down, alright! What the fuck happened-?”

“What?”

"Just what happened?! Is it night already? What are you even doing here?"

"You- Wha..." there was a shaky breath and a choked whimper "Just _please_ calm down... What's wrong with you, Gyu?"

" _What's wrong_? Are you shitting me?"

"What the-... Gyu...?" the confusion and distress were so thick in the other's voice that it threw him off, leaving him hanging from his mind for a few seconds.

He took a few deep breaths “God damn it… “ he stopped for a moment, gathering his thoughts and trying to understand what was happening “I… Just give me a second" he sat on the bed and buried his face in his palms. After some tense moments, he felt the feathery touch of a doubting hand on his back. He swallowed heavily, trying to put his head in place and understand what the man was doing "… Why is this still happening?”

"Gyu?"

"This is insane"

“What... What is?”

“Everything… I think I just… What was all that?”

“It's ok, Gyu, you were dreaming… again”

“Damn…” he sighed, Woohyun sounded so sure... But he didn't feel the same certainty, the echoes of the _nightmare_ were still twisting inside him.

“Want to tell me?”

“Uh… I don’t know… It was so messed up”

“Why?”

“You were there, all of us, during practice, and there there was Jungryul hyung and Hyoan hyung and… Uh… I mean, K-kim and Cho…?” he swallowed again and shifted in his place “It was just werid, it’s ok. Let’s sleep?”

“Sure babe”

"Why do you call-?" he let out before he could stop himself.

"What?"

"Oh shit..." he sighed "N-nothing... Just sleep"

Sunggyu tried to relax, but his pulse was still running, his stomach still tightening, his mind wouldn’t stop reeling. He knew Woohyun was beside him, he wondered if he was still awake too, tried to feel the comforting warmth, but was left with a hollow weight of disconnection.

He heaved a long sigh “It’s ok,” he told himself “it was just a dream”, but he was finding it harder and harder to believe every time he... woke up.

 

* * *

“If everything goes right you’ll be out soon” Woohyun smiles at him from his side, sitting at the edge of the bed.

“What is _everything_?” he asks, poking at the gooey food with his spoon.

“I’m not sure” the other shrugs.

“Oh, great”

“But it seems that _everything_ is already pretty good, so you just have to keep improving”

“Easy to say”

“What? Why? Are you feeling unwell again? Is it your head? Your chest-?”

“No, Woohyun, I’m fine”

“Oh…"

There are a few seconds of tense silence.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you if I’m not feeling well”

“Yeah, you do that”

He drops the spoon and pushes the tray “I’m not going to eat that”

“Again?”

“The moment they bring me real food we’ll see”

“You need to eat”

“I am eating… As much as I can ingest of this… Stuff. Is this supposed to be part of the _everything_?”

“I don't know. And you know Jungryul hyung is going to scold you again if you leave all of that”

“Yeah, yeah… I ate more than the last time anyway”

“Whatever”

“Don’t talk to me like that” he barks tiredly.

“Or what? You’re in no position to threaten me”

“You just wait” he says, a bit of his true dark mood peaking out.

Woohyun looks at him strangely, pushing the remains of the food away and seemingly doubting for a second before inching closer to him “I actually fear the moment you get out of this bed”

“Why is that?” he asks, though he already knows... Or suspects, in any case.

“Hm…” Woohyun studies him for a moment and then shrugs “Nothing”

“Are you fearing some kind of revenge from my part?”

“I don’t know..." a doubtful glance "Do I deserve one?”

“I still have my doubts” he mutters.

Woohyun looks at him, his relaxed demeanor fading under real concern, his fingers fumbling with each other “About?”

Sunggyu stares at him, watching as the other starts inching away. It kind of amuses him until the real guilt blooms in Woohyun’s face, pure and raw, marring his features. As much as the suddenly, _bizarrely_ acquired resentment refuses to leave his chest, the miserable look in Woohyun's face eases up his irritation “Come back here” he says in a soft tone, reaching out his hand for Woohyun to take it “I told you already that it’s ok”

“You still look mad about it”

“Well, shouldn’t I be?” he spats a bit harsher than he wants, making Woohyun flinch.

“Y-yeah, I'm-“

“It’ll go away soon enough," his voice still holds a bit of the sharp edge, but he forces it down "you know I can’t stay mad at you for long”

“This was different, it _is_ different”

“Don’t start”

“Don’t start? Sunggyu did you take notice that you nearly died?” the other asks in a tense voice “And that I myself was there the moment- Or let me correct that, the _moments_ , plural, both times you freaking _stopped breathing_?”

“This feels like déjà vu” he mutters, but Woohyun didn’t hear.

“Do you have any idea what thoughts crossed my head when you dropped cold back in the practice room? Spitting blood and in the middle of all our- Of _my_ shit storm?” the voice comes out strangled.

“You know…”

 “Wh-… What?” Woohyun ask shakily, shifting away slightly.

“I still don’t know what happened”

He gets an incredulous look, and then a gasp of understanding “Oh, right, you… Don’t you remember anything?” again the guilty, quivering note of hope.

Sunggyu’s about to deny it, when mixed images and feelings flood his head. He does know what happened… Back in... At the other side, during Woohyun’s... The _other_ Woohyun's birthday.

But he also remembers... He saw... He dreamt? He _knows_ what happened here, what happened with this Woohyun, in front of him, in front of everyone for that matter-

"Hyung?"

He blinks up at Woohyun, and realises he has been staring at the white sheets, subconsciously trying to control his breathing and the knot in his throat. He coughs a little and nods “How long have I been here?”

“A week”

He nods again “Did you always bring those for me?” he looks at the white flowers beside him.

“Yes”

“Thanks” he smiles at Woohyun, and the other smiles back, even if a little confused.

 

 


	9. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the moment I give you the song from where the title was taken from, and tell you that the lyrics may help vanish lingering doubts about the plot. Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odatDWByonw
> 
> I hope this, along with the explanatory bits of this last chapter, helps in case anyone feels confused.

He woke up in fright again, this time there were several faces around him.

“He woke up!” someone said.

“Alright, move his legs” another person voiced.

“What’s…?” he couldn’t speak clearly.

“It’s ok, Gyu, we’ve called emergencies already”

“Who's...? Ho-...Howon?”

“Yeah, just lay down”

“I’m… down”

The bustling noises faded slowly, and he opened his eyes again to an office. When did he even get in there?

“I told you… I _told_ you it was too soon to come back to work!” that was Dongwoo, and he sounded both nervous and angry.

“I… Sorry?” he attempted, seriously beleivng he was missing a part of the story.

“Yeah, you’ll be sorry when Woohyun finds out”

“Wha-... Could you slow down for a bit, I'm-”

“No, I will not. You just came back from the hospital, you’ve been told to take it easy, you’ve been advised to stay at home, even to work from home, but _no_ ”

“Alright, whatever! Now please shut up!”

“You don’t seem to get the point here!”

“I do get it, ok-?”

“You won’t get it until it’s too damned late to get the freaking point!”

“What the-? Woohyun? What are you doing here?”

“What are _you_ doing here?”

“What? Come on!”

“No, now you listen to me, how many times did I tell you-?”

“Just stop it!” his head whirled and hurt, and the sounds melted together before surfacing again in loud notes "Oh, what the hell...?"

“No, _you_ need to stop!”

“Ugh... Look, I just need to get home, alright? Could you at least wait until we get home?”

“We are home!”

“What?!”

“I don’t know what is wrong with you, but-“

“Ok, stop!” he said in mild alarm.

“List-“

“No, stop! Stop for a second, just stop!” he yelled, holding his head in his hands. He got silence finally, and he chanced a look around him. He was no longer at the office, but at an apartment, and everyone except Woohyun had dissapeared “When… When did we get here?”

“Five minutes ago” Woohyun said, still angry but evidently puzzled by the question.

“I was… I was..." he forced his maind to remember, to understand, to find in his memories the places and- _Oh wait, I'm here again?_ _When did this happen?_ "In the office, I was in the office… Just seconds ago”

“No, you fainted and they called emergencies, then we brought you back home”

He thought for a few seconds “Was I awake?”

“Kind of”

"But...What day is it?”

Woohyun frowned at that crouching beside him on the couch “It’s Monday”

“Ok… I… Did I go to the office... by myself?”

“... Yeah”

“How long…?”

“What?”

“When was it that I… Left the hospital?”

“Sunggyu, are you fooling around? This is not funny”

“Just answer me please” he pleaded.

“Last Thursday”

“Thursday… So, the entire weekend?”

“What about it?”

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

He heard the twisting note in Woohyun’s voice, and he looked up to see him lost in confusion “Nothing… It’s ok… I’ll stay here, I won’t go... uh, to work, I don’t know why I… I’m sorry” he got up in wobbly legs and padded to the corridor.

“Gyu… Where are you going?”

"To bed"

"That's the bathroom, babe" the worry was back in the man's voice.

"... Oh" he walked out and looked around, finally spotting the door that opened to a wide bed "R-right"

"Are you ok?"

“Yeah... I just need to sleep”

 

* * *

“It was your heart, it... It failed you” Woohyun explains with a pinched tone while Sunggyu nods, comparing the two versions in his head “Jungryul hyung knows to do… That” he vaguely does the mimics for the CPR and the notion hits Sunggyu with a very delayed dread spreading inside him.

“T-they needed to do _that_?” he asks, his voice almost failing him.

Woohyun nods before continuing “The doctors said he almost broke your ribs” he chokes on a strangled laugh “He was… freaking out, we all kind of were. I mean you dropped suddenly and there was blood...”

"I s-... Ugh, I remember the taste" he shivers in disgust "Why...?"

"You bit your tongue"

"What? Oh God..."

"Dr. Jung said it was probably due to the... the nerves and the stress"

"I don't remember it hurting or anything"

"You were too out of it... Your palms were hurt too, you sunk your nails and... I thought it had been the glass from the bottle and the mirror, but it had been you"

“Oh…”

“Well, after that they wanted to take you to a hospital, but the van was… Well you remember, right?"

"Uh... Y-yeah" he supressed another shiver as the image of the black vehicle taking a violent turn meters away from him materializes in his head, the sound of tires on the pavement and the loud crashing sound echoing near.

"They didn't know if calling an ambulance or not, because it would attract attention and given the situation... I'm not saying this to save myself or anything, but I told them to just call immediately and deal with that later... I don't know... Well, anyway”

“I was... Yeah, ok” he mutters.

“You were ok... Well, not ok but... Just unconscious, but after that, it was a risk to have you unatended, so they told us they'd try to get another car, but then they started arguing about it and..." a sharp sigh denotes his reminded annoyance "In the end they called the hospital, but kept insisting on the low profile and whatnot, a fucking waste of time, really, if it weren't for that maybe..." yet another sigh, but this time tired and resigned "Anyway, they called, and then called Jungyeop nim. We had you at the waiting room, you know, laying down and... we were keeping an eye on you but... But then you just woke up all of a sudden and started freaking out, you trashed around and... and then you vomited and then just… You just... Went limp”

Dongwoo rubbs Woohyun’s back and continues himself “They ended up dropping all low profile bullshit and jumped the paramedics the moment they arrived, put you in the ambulance and had the driver run like hell. I remember I got a headache because of the sirens. Quite a show in the end"

"Oh, yeah, those damned sirens" he mumbles, remembering the shrill sound piercing his eardrums.

"Sorry, what?" Dongwoo raises his eyebrows in question, but Sunggyu dismisses it vaguely.

"So, an ambulance?"

"Yeah, they didn't let us go with you, Jungryul hyung went and Hyoan hyung stayed with us until Geonam hyung arrived with the other car" he sighed heavily “When he got there, you were, uh, _stable_ again, and Jungyeop nim was with you in the room"

"Oh... he was?"

Woohyun nods, seemlingly ready to keep talking "He stayed with you the first night"

Sunggyu just hums, not really sure how to feel about that. He hadn't seen their CEO since he woke up, and, honestly, it made him feel a bit hurt and offended, but the time he asked he only got unsure shrugs and some evasive glances. He decided to try again "Why didn't he come again since then?"

"Well... I don't really know but..." Dongwoo shrugs and glances at Woohyun, who gives a shrug himself "I believe he feels responsible about this. He did come a few times, but only when you were unc-uh... asleep"

"What? Was he waiting for me to fall asleep to step in?" Sunggyu asks, a bit annoyed already.

"Well" Dongwoo tilts his head and chuckles awkwardly "A few times he did"

He stays silent, staring at both men for a while before shaking his head "And he's, how old again?"

"It's ok if you'r angry at him-"

"I'm not angry, I'm just-" he holds his tongue, not really in the mood for admiting that his feelings are a bit hurt "Whatever"

"He said he'll come see you one of these days" Woohyun assures.

"Did he now?"

"I made him promise, don't worry"

A blink, another, a little hum and then a smile "Thank you, Hyunnie"

"Ah-... N-no, it's... I mean he has to... You know" the other shrugs and glances away, and Sunggyu takes a bit too long to realize that he used the pet name without thinking.

"In any case, he's being a bit of a coward, if you ask me, but besides that, he behaved well" Dongwoo nods firmly.

"If you say so" Sunggyu smiles, but it fades slowly as he thinks back a little and his doubts resurface. He clears his throat a bit "Anyway, so... How long was I...? I mean after I came in here..."

"Well, since they put you in that ambulance you just... Slept, I guess"

“And here?”

“Yeah, you slept”

“Do you mean like… For days?”

“You had a… Uh, what was it called? A…” Woohyun starts picking at his fingernails again “Well, they called it a mini stroke or something... It’s easier to remember” he mumbles.

“And you were unconscious for almost two days until you started waking up for little bits” Dongwoo provides, the word he was trying to avoid slipping without him noticing, his fingers fumbling with the adhesive around the only lasting needle.

Sunggyu slaps his hands away gently and then pries Woohyun’s fingers from the irritated skin around his nails “It makes sense” he squeezes Woohyun’s fingers and falls quiet. The other two do the same, waiting for him to say anything, or just uncomfortable he doesn't know, but he feels the need to break a little the dense quietness, so he asks the first thing that comes to his mind “Well, who was the funny guy who threw the bottle at me?”

 

* * *

Hyoan is sitting beside him, the rest of the guys had to leave for the dorm for the night.

“Hyung?” he asks.

“Yeah?” the man says from his place, lowering the book he was reading.

“Sorry”

“For what?”

“For making you think I didn’t remember you” Sunggyu clarifies, trying not to laugh.

“Oh, that, yeah” the other scoffs “How funny of you”

“I just thought you were… someone else”

“Who? Oh, wait, don’t tell me, I know”

“You do?”

“Yeah, Cho, the security guard, was it?”

He laughs at that, coughing a little in between “I just mistook you with… someone” he says, not to say _another you_.

“In the end you didn’t recognize me” Hyoan rectifies, huffing offended.

He snickers a little, not even trying to explain that no, he _was_ Cho Hyoan, just… another Cho Hyoan. They stay in silence after that, Hyoan focused on his book, only looking up when Sunggyu coughs or shifts.

Sunggyu is sleepy, but he tries not to be, though, because he’s slightly scared of what he could find on the other side.

 

* * *

Woohyun was looking at him, a sad frown marring his brow.

A man he didn’t know stood on the other side of the bed, a mask of concern shaping his features.

“How are you feeling?” the man asked.

He blinked sluggishly “Who are you?”

The man exchanged a glance with Woohyun “I’m Doctor Jung, Sunggyu, do you not remember me?”

“Not really” he deadpanned “Is everything alright?” he asked then, remembering that if _everything_ went right, he could go home soon.

“I’m afraid not, Sunggyu” the man answered.

“What? Why not? I was improving, right?” he looked at Woohyun, but the other was looking down at his hands “Hyun?”

“Don’t worry, it might be nothing serious” the doctor spoke “Can you tell me what day is it?”

“Uh… I guess so?…” he thought about it “Uh, it must be… Uh, well no, I don’t really know, sorry”

“It’s fine”

“Is this part of the _everything_ , Hyun?” he asked Woohyun, but the confused look he got back didn’t explain much “What is it, Hyu-“ he stopped short when he noticed the thin vase and a bunch of purple flowers in it. _Purple_. His stomach knotted tightly and the air felt dense in his chest. He tried to remain calm, but the dizzy feeling of disonection started playing with his head. A look at Woohyun had him choking on guilt and frustration, tha man was looking all kinds of worried and sad, and he could do nothing to help it, not in the state he was. He didn't know what he should say or what he shouldn't. He swallowed thickly and tried to move his hand towards Woohyun's, but it was like trying to maneuver a block of stone “Uh...I didn-... I mean I'm a bit out of it I guess... I'm... I'm sorry, I thought… I was with the white ones”

“What?” he heard Woohyun whisper.

He turned to reply, but then his eyes failed him, and when Woohyun came back, he was looking grim and distressed, and the doctor was no longer there, but another unknown man in his place.

“And who is _this_ now?” he wondered, resigned already to the mess it all was becoming.

Woohyun sobbed loudly and ran a hand through his hair “Gyu…”

“What? W-what is it? Hyun?” he asked worriedly.

“I’m afraid…” the man sighed minimally “Never mind, I’m Doctor Jung, Sunggyu”

He blinked up to the man “What? Wait…” he was confused now, was this another Jung, the same Jung? Was he mistaking people or forgetting about them? He didn’t dare ask though.

“It’s ok, Gyu” Woohyun brushed his fingers though Sunggyu’s hair.

Sunggyu would have wanted to believe him, but the tears running down Woohyun's face told him otherwise "Hyun? What's going on?"

"I..." the man glanced away, his mouth moving as in search for words. Sunggyu felt himself blink slowly, his breathing sounded loud in his ears, his sight a bit blurry. He tried opening his eyes wide and looking all around to get rid of the sudden drowsiness. The room looked weird, foreign but a bit familiar. There was Woohyun, and some guy and-... _Flowers? What are those doing there?_ "I don't know..." Woohyun's voice brought him back a little, but it worried him the deep pained tone it carried along "I'm sorry Gyu I should have paid more attention, you-"

_Oh right, still on that_ "Don't start with that again, Woohyun, I told you I understand" he said, feeling the bed swallow him slowly, his thoughts getting cottoned and a bit fuzzy "It was both our faults, ok?"

"What?"

"We'll talk about it, alright? Just not now... When we're back, and everything is settled down and... You know, all of us..." a long, tired sigh "Just not now, ok?"

"Gyu-"

"I'm just sleepy, it's... it's fine..."

"No, love, try to stay here" Woohyun voice was trembling.

"Here? I'm just going to..." his eyes fell shut, and a deep mumble left him instead of words.

"Gyu, love, please stay with me..."

"T's ok... I'll j'st... sleep"

"No, Sunggyu, don't leave me!"

But he couldn't fight the slumber any longer. He drifted away and nothing made sense anymore.

A last call sounded, words in a voice so pained... _Don't leave me,_ echoed in his head with a desperation that made his heart heavy.

 

* * *

He flexes his hand, his fingers and then his arm. It feels really good to be free of any restraint, there are no needles anywhere, no adhesive, no mask, he’s finally just resting in his bed.

“Just a few more days and we’re taking you back home” Geonam squeezes his shoulder as the nurse leaves the room “Are you not glad?”

“Oh? Yeah, I am. I can’t stand this place anymore”

“It’s understandable, but you’re doing well. As long as nothing happens, you’ll be free soon enough”

“I hope so” he smiles to Geonam, and the man smiles back, dropping a last pat on his back and walking out, phone in hand and tapping a call, to their CEO probably.

The moment the door closes, he lets out a chuckle, remembering his meeting with the older man, who had been escorted by a very determined looking Woohyun until the man was sitting beside his bed. It had been an awkward encounter, roles slightly reversed for a while until the man took a deep breath and started talking. If he has to be honest with himself, he kind of guilt tripped his boss, and the man himself went along with it so easily it almost made Sunggyu feel bad about it. But a hearty apology and a hug later he was back to being a child seeking for attention, gripping at the man's hand with bruising strength and asking for him to stay a bit longer. In the end, Jungyeop stayed until night time, and even forced him to eat the disgusting thing with more succes than Woohyun. They didn't talk about work, about the media, not even the scandal, his boss avoided any of those topics like the plague and tried to keep him in good spirits, and Sunggyu appreciated it, but curiosity had him asking anyway.

"Don't trouble yourself with that yet" Jungyeop shook his head minimally "It's all being taken care of. When you go back home, we'll deal with everything"

"But..." he hesitated, looking down at his hands "How much of this is known?"

"By whom?"

"I don't know" he shrugged "People"

"The strictly necessary"

"And..." he doubted for a bit "What about my family?"

"I told them"

"What did you tell them?"

"I couldn't keep them in the dark, Sunggyu"

"What did you tell them?"

"That you had a decompensation and had to be hospitalized"

"Like that?"

"Sorry?"

"Those exact words?"

"Give or take"

"So you didn't tell them the whole truth"

"Not quite, I'm afraid"

"Did they come?"

"No"

He kept quiet, quelling down the dissapointment for a few seconds "Why?"

"I told them they didn't have to worry, that it was nothing serious and you were recovering very quickly" Sunggyu didn't even answer, his unbelieving expresion was enough "I talked with them little before the media was informed"

"So...?"

"You had woken up a few times already, and your condition was improving promisingly"

"So you kept all of this a secret for... For how long exactly?"

"A little over two days"

"I could have died and you didn't tell my family?"

The man looked at him dead in the eyes, his expresion far from severe, it was soft and apologetic, but still so schooled that it was hard for Sunggyu not to lower his gaze. He knew what the silence meant, he knew the meaning of those eyes, he was being read like a book, and he didn't bother to stop it from happening, Jungyeop knew him all too well by then. He knew that, deep down, Sunggyu was relieved that his family didn't know the true dept of what had happened, glad that they didn't see him in his state, and conflictively grateful to his boss for making it that way. He still is.

_I'll see them as soon as I can_ , he tells himself, _once I don't look so pathetic_. He only allows himself the self pity for scarce minutes, because he knows it won't be that long before he has to jump back into action... Whatever kind of it, anything will be more than what he's been doing so far.

He melts against the bed and sighs long a loud. Yes, he’s been improving, but he feels something deep down still bothering him. It’s not the feeling of anger that came to him erratically the first days, or the depression that the perspective of his situation pours on him, it isn’t the residual sense of betrayal that the whole incident had left hidden inside him, it's not the lingering guilt over the bad moments he made everyone go through or his consent to the half truths his family had received. It's something else.

He turns to his side and breaths in, the air feels clear and perfumed by the pretty white flowers Woohyun left him that morning. He reaches lazily and touches one of the big petals, it’s soft, almost velvety, flexible and slightly cold to the touch. He bends it between his fingers and releases it. He really likes those flowers, he does since that time when they first moved dorms. He smiles unconsciously as he remembers. They were all so hyped up about it that they wanted to make every little nook of the new place theirs. Whether it was by painting a wall, hanging a poster, rearranging furniture… Or impulsively buying a bunch of flowers and stocking then in a mug with water, right in the middle of their room. He had laughed at Woohyun then, because, really, flowers? But then he came back one night, after one of those days when schedule overpowered them and left them hanging by a thread of their strength, one of those days that made them want to curl in their beds and never get up again, when the simple feeling of the apartment floor under their feet was enough to make them crumble in relief, one of those days ended to the refreshing scent invading their home, welcoming them to the only moment they had to themselves, and he found himself liking it.

With time, it became a frequent occurrence that Woohyun would buy a few out of the blue and put them somewhere around their home. Coming back home started smelling like those flowers, and then the flowers started smelling like home.

 

* * *

He was standing in front of a window, in what looked to be a little kitchen. The sun was entering the place warmly, there were birds outside. The air smelled like coffee and toasted bread, and he could see in the reflection of the glass that his friends were busying themselves with breakfast. He had been told that two of them were coming from Japan to pay him a visit, he didn’t know why, but he was glad anyway.

“Oh! We need more milk too!” one of the guys yelled at the young man that was about to walk out the door.

“Alright!”

The door closed softly and the other two went back to struggling with a pancake mix that looked a bit too thick. He didn’t say anything, though, it was entertaining to watch.

“Oh, wait! Do we have the butter?”

“Yeah, in the fridge, I think?”

“Did you take it out?”

“No?”

“Ah, idiot, it’ll be frozen!”

“You forgot too, you know?”

“Just take it out!”

“Don’t yell!”

He couldn’t help the chuckle, and as soon as he let it out, the arms around his waist tightened.

“Enjoying yourself, love?” he heard the gentle voice near his ear, to what he nodded “I’m glad” a soft kiss was pressed to his neck, and a pleasant shiver ran down his back “They’ll be here soon” he nodded again “You remember who's comming?” another affirmative “Good, they're coming to see you, you know that?" he smiled "I don’t know how long they’ll stay, but we’ll make the most of it, ok?” he sighed contentedly “I love you” the man whispered, and he turned his head to look into the dark eyes, smiling to him and placing a light kiss on the plump lips.

Another happy sigh escaped him, and he made himself comfortable in the embrace of the man behind him. It was a really nice day, and everything seemed to move calmly for him. He enjoyed the tranquil morning, his friends’ playful bickering, the warmth of the body against him.

He looked down and eyed the cute little flowers on the window’s sill, the pretty pastel colors and the little leaves. He didn’t recognize them, but they looked nice. He touched one of the petals and gasped when it broke under his fingers. He hummed in disappointment, but shrugged it away.

They were paper anyway.

 

* * *

He wakes up to someone shaking his shoulder.

“Hyung” Myungsoo is calling him “Wake up, wake up”

“What?” he groans, feeling hollow disappointment swell in him as the pleasant feelings drain away from him.

“We’re leaving today, remember?”

“Hm?” he blinks groggily at him, and then to the other three behind him “Oh… Right”

“ _Right_? That’s it? Hyung, you’re going home!” Sungyeol chuckles.

“I would be happier, but you just woke me up, and I was dreaming”

“Oh come on! You’ll sleep all you want back home!”

“Well, _that_ sounds better”

“What were you dreaming about anyway?” Sungjong questions, stuffing some clothes and his bathroom stuff into a bag.

Sunggyu tilts his head in wonder “I don’t remember much" he shruggs, then his eyebrows shot up "Oh, but I think you all were there”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah… Yeah, you were” he assures.

“Are you sure it wasn’t a nightmare?” Myungsoo butts in with light amusment.

He snorts “No, it was a dream… A pretty nice one”

"Aw, hyung loves us" Sungyeol cooes, earning some chuckles from the two youngers.

"And who said I don't?" Sunggyu mumbles in a rush of fierce honesty that he can't control on time, but, luckly or not, doesn't reach the others' ears, it only shakes the air inside him a little bit, making something grow heavy in his chest; wheter it was good or bad, he doesn't know yet.

It's a bit of an effort to pull his mind away from the grip that the confusing emotion took of him, and a little more even to lighten up his mood for the rest not to launch themselves into a fit of worry, but he manages. It's also strangely unsetling to leave the room, after so long being habitating the calm, reduced space, to empty every corner of his, _their_ precence and jump back into the life that pushed him over that bed in the first place... It scares him, very much so, but he needs to get out, he needs to go back.

He feels weird, dressed up in his clothes and walking down the corridors with his bustling bandmates around. They took his bags, not letting him carry anything at all, except for his little vase of white flowers. He wasn’t leaving them behind; they were still fresh.

When he sees the van parked just outside, half of him expects to feel relieved, free, happy, he’s finally going home, finally leaving the hospital, it’s finally over. The other half is still so nervous and reluctant he prefers not to dwell on it, but doesn't need to either, he feels it all around his focus, poking relentlessly at his attention. _It's ok, no need to panic, I know this, I've lived this, it'lll get better. They're with me, they know, they... They won't go away, they're with me_. He doesn't realize the way his breath shakes, or the strenght his fingers press on the vase, not until Sungjong's slender hands wrap his own pale ones.

"It's ok, hyung, things are much calmer now, don't worry" the maknae says, as if he could read his mind. Then his eyes waver for a second, and he adds in a whisper so weak Sunggyu is not sure it was real "We'll help you go back"

He pulls a smile for the other, nodding and shaking the fear as much as he can. It's true, he can do it, he's been through worse... Doesn't he know worse? After hitting the bottom, there's nothing left to do but to climb back up, right? He knows he still has to do several check ups, and work on the little gaps of memory he still finds around the days since that day at the practice, but, all in all, it should still be a big relief to be out. At least, he tries to feel it that way.

The other guys are all oozing energy, even the managers seem like floating on their feet. He doesn’t know what they had to deal with while he was in there, all he knows is that they had to announce an undetermined hiatus and that the media had gone a bit crazy over it. They had said a partial truth, that he had a severe decompensation and had to be hospitalized. He doesn’t know what people thought, what they believed and what they thought were lies or exaggerations, doesn’t know what rumors had been created, and he doesn’t want to know, not about the rumors, not about the news, not about the public, not even about the future of his career... _**If** I have any after all of this- And I don't want to think about it! Not yet, nothing of that yet_, he voiced in his head, pleading to his own mind not to step into those subjects. _Please, not yet._

He looks out of the window of the van as they drive out of the parking floor, and then sinks in his seat to avoid having to look at the possible press roaming around. He doesn’t want to deal with it, any of it. He just wants to go home…

A sudden feeling of suffocation presses his chest, and he gasps for air loudly.

“What is it, hyung?” he hears Sungyeol ask startled, his long fingers gripping at his sleeve with urgency.

He shakes his head in dismissal “Nothing Yeol, don’t worry”

“Are you sure? You suddenly-“

“It’s ok, I just felt… A bit sad”

“Why?” Myungsoo leans closer, his own hands held up as if ready to catch him if he were to fall.

“I don’t know” he shrugs “I guess this kind of… situations makes one feel a lot of things in too little time. I’m just still overwhelmed”

It’s not a lie, but he’s not sure it’s the truth either. He fumbles absentmindedly with his flowers and looses track of the time. The feeling of the soft petals between his fingers remind him of something, but all he can come up with is a thin vase of paper flowers on a window’s sill, and the thought makes him feel so miserable all of a sudden that he has to pull at all the strings in him to stop himself from starting to cry. He holds the vase close to him the whole ride.

It’s only when he finally reaches his home, when he enters the living room and sees the place after so long, when he hears and sees the guys fill the place with excitement for him, when Woohyun comes up to him and hugs him tightly, it's then when he finally breathes out in relief.

The strange feeling is still there, somewhere deep inside him, but it’s not sadness anymore, it’s just a strange kind of hope, just his heart longing for something else, something fuzzy and mingled, but so possible, so near, he can almost feel it.

“Welcome back” Woohyun says earnestly, and then presses a nervous smooch on his cheek.

He hears the chuckled call for a group hug from somewhere near, and immediately after feels the crushing weight of five other men around them. Every word and every touch just fall in place with an ease he hasn't felt in too long, and he's again overwhelmed, but this time, besides the knot in his troath, his lips can't stretch enough for him to smile so much.

A bit later, when he's gotten inside his room, after calming a messily crying Myungsoo and a emotionaly conflicted Dongwoo, politely ignoring the redness in Howon's eyes, bearing with a strangely dotting Sungyeol and a amazingly motherly maknae, he finds himself wrapped up in the true familiarity of his home. The feel of the wooden floor under his feet, the dim light enetring through the dark curtains, the mess of clothes in the corner, the cluster of objects all around, his own bed... still unmade. He still has the flower vase in his hands, and he presses it against him before placing it on his desk. A deep breath later, he feels Woohyun beside him.

They don't say a word for a long time, speechless for reasons they can't comprehend. Then a hand takes a weak hold of his sleeve, and he turns to see Woohyun glancing up at him. He bares a smile for him, and the man all but crumbles in stutters a mumbles as he slowly inches his way into his arms, but not quite making it. 

"I'm sorry" Sunggyu breathes out, breacihng the distance between them and hugging the man close.

"Wha-? Stop...!" Woohyun's arms latch around him fiercely, his face against Sunggyu's neck "Stop apologizing!"

"No-"

"Yes! Enough of that! I don't even know why you do it, it's _us_... It's _me_ who should-"

"I lied to you... And to myself"

Woohyun looks up, keeping hold of his arms "Even if that were the case, hyung-"

"It is, and it's part of the reason all of this happened"

"What are talking about?" Woohyun's voice is a bit whinny "Seriously-"

"You know what I mean, if I hadn't... If I had at least _tried_ to fix the problem between us..."

"None of us did, hyung"

He only humms in answer, walking back blindly until he feels the bump of the bed frame against the back of his legs, and then drops back to sit over the messy sheets. The other wastes no time in sitting to his side.

"Alright, I'll stop if you stop" he says.

"I can't-"

"Woohyun"

A brief staring match is all they can afford, none of them is in the spirit for an argument, no matter how subtle. He's had enough to last him a decade.

He feels the squeeze to his hand, and only then he realizes that he's holding Woohyun's in his lap. The automatic, almost insctintual gesture puts a smile on his face and a chuckle in the room. There's a warm feeling spreading all over him, but it is as comforting as invasive, urging and borderline oppresive. He takes a deep breath and pulls at Woohyun's hand, needing to feel his presence, his company.

"We missed you" he hears, soft, tentaive voice very near him.

Another smile "And I've missed you"

"We were there with you... All the time we could, almost all day..."

"I know" he nods, doubts, then nods again, he does know "How...?"

"... How?"

_I hope I don't regret this_ "How were things?"

"Things? Where?"

"You know... While I was..."

"Oh... I don't know" Woohyun shrugs a little "Absolutely crazy at first, bizarre and... It... It was like a nightmare"

"I can imagine" he mumbles.

"But you don't have to worry about that, hyung" the other turns in his place, his dark eyes intense and determined "It's all right now, it's over"

"What is?"

"The deal with... with that freaking..." he can see the muscles in Woohyun's neck and jaw tighten and shift, his own fingers are being crushed in a powerful grip.

"Hyun, my hand" he croaks.

"Wh-Oh, sorry..." the other coughs a little and rubs his fingers like an apology "Uh, with that... _woman_ " the words comes out so thick with venom that it's almost as if it were an insult.

"Woman? Which-? Oh!" the gasp is so abrupt it has him coughing a bit "The..." he clears his troath, trying to supress a shiver, a hand going impulsively to his neck, almost feeling the knife on his own skin "The woman, right"

"Yeah, she showed up at last, has nowhere to hide anymore"

"Hide?"

Woohyun eyes him suspiciously "Hyung, do you not remember...?"

"No, I... I remember, it's just that I can't... I mean _after_ it happened...?"

"The suposed car crash?"

"The..." _car crash... the car crash?_ Screeching of tires on the pavement and a black van turning abruply slap his brain with alarming clarity "Oh, holy fuck! The car!"

"Right" the other chuckles, he actually _chuckles_ "Well, in the end, and as we already knew, it never hit her. Any bruising was from the fall and... Well, your foot. The cut was from her own knife and that's all she had. No broken spine, no marred face, nothing, just a pile of shit instead of a brain" again the tension in his jaw, but at least his fingers are not in pain.

"Well then... It's something"

"She confessed"

"Oh..." he has to blink a couple of times before he can organize his ideas, the collage of images and feelings that tangled up all over his head, only to discover that there was a big mass of anger just below his confusion, ready to boil "But, just like that? After all...? After all the crap she made up she just...?"

"I know, hyung" now Woohyun is the one trying to soothe him "But no, it wasn't just like that. Three witnesses finally decided to come out"

"Well it was time already! Seriously what is _wrong_ with people?"

"Same thing going through my head, but at least they did"

"Damn" he sighs "Well fuck, that's some good news"

"Yes" the other smiles reassuringly at him, and something in Sunggyu melts a little, it's like he hasn't seen that smile in ages "That's why you don't have to worry about it, it's matter of time before it all settles down"

"Yeah" the matress under him suddenly feels softer, and his back relaxes, making the dull ache in his spine subdue noticeably. A block of stone is taken from his shoulders, but another comes behind "Uh..." he doubts before deciding to trust his mind and what it tells him is a fact and not delusion "What about Myung?"

"Ah well... It's been hard on him"

"I can imagine"

"You've seen him, poor guy is an emotional rollercoaster"

"Well, aren't you?"

"Me?"

"I know I am... A bit"

"Well, you... You are a different case, hyung"

"Am I?"

"Of course"

"Whatever, I guess they had a bad break up?"

He doesn't get an answer immediately, so he turns to look at Woohyun, and finds him blinking at him in question "Break-Oh! Oh, I get it" he shakes his head and clicks his tongue "Hyung, that's tha last thing that's been on his mind"

"Yeah, right" he scoffs softly "We know how hard he falls when he does, and he was absolutely smitten with this girl. I mean he even mentioned marriage" he leans closer, eyes wide " _Marriage_ , Hyun"

"I-I know" the other inches back and forward again, then turns his head and clears his throat "But it wasn't that"

"They're still together?" his eyes go a bit wider.

"Wha-? No, hyung, would you let me finish?" Sunggyu grunts in answer "They're not together anymore, they broke up soon after the incident, remember?"

"Uh... Maybe? But, that's not the point, maybe they had reconcilied?"

"After a psycopath tried to butcher Myungsoo in broad daylight? Don't think so, poor girl wanted nothing but to move to another country"

"Who would blame her?"

"Yeah" there's a moment of silence, both probably feeling a bit of sympathy for Myungsoo's exgirlfriend "But" Woohyun shakes his head "That's not it"

"What?"

"You keep driving me off topic" the other complains without real heat "What I was saying is that Myungsoo was feeling guilty over all the... episode"

"I know that, and I told him a thousandth times that-"

"No, not that episode, the other one"

"Huh?" he furrows his brow in doubt.

"You, hyung, the episode... Your, uh, _decompensation_?"

"W-? Oh... Oh, _that_ "

"Yes, that"

"Ah, well" he sighs "Just another one"

"What?"

"You feel guilty-"

"I am-"

" _Shush_ " a mild glare and then he continues "You feel guilty, I feel guilty, now Myungsoo feels guilty"

"We all kind of do, actually"

"Well don't"

"How-?"

"Just don't"

"Sung-"

" _Shush_ " another little glare, but this time it makes Woohyun laugh, and again Sunggyu feels somthing warm move in his ribcage "Seriously though, we all messed up some way or another, I just... Happened to..." he shrugs, not able to continue over the heavy sorrow that invades him faster than he could comprehend. Woohyun shifts beside him, and the silence that follows is nothing but observant. He tries to overcome the sudden depression. He doesn't want to dwell on the matter anymore, he doesn't want to argue over who's fault it all was, who could have done what, what difference would something have made, because it was pointless, and every minute they lingered around it all, he inched closer and closer to that little black dot that he wants to avoid "It's no one's fault, and everybody's fault. That's the end of it" he stats, trying to cover his stumble with firmnes, but not quite making it.

The hand around his pull softly "Hyung..." Woohyun starts, then falls silent again. When his voice comes out once again, it sounds so very near "Sunggyu, I know... We know where we went wrong, and we won't let it happen again"

"Neither will I" he responds, the weight in his stomach expands to his chest and he feels all of him submerged in both fear and releif, doubts and determination. Woohyun hums in question, not really inquiring anything, simply prompting him to go on, because he knows that there's something else, something Sunggyu has to say. He probably knows because of Sunggyu's trembling fingers and his eyes fixed on the floor, because of his lips pressed tightly and his quivering brows. He knows becuase he knows _Sunggyu_ "I won't..." he tries, but it all surges up so abruptly, he has to breath out and try again. He turns to face the other man, and lets his hand move to fit their fingers in between. Woohyun's eyes flicker to their hands and then back up to his face. Sunggyu can see the questions, but speaks instead of waiting for them "I won't run away from you"

"W-what?"

"Not from you, and not from _any_ of you" both his hands wrap around Woohyun's, searching for a steady point not to falter "I won't lie to you, or any of you. I won't lie to myself anymore. I'm not... I can't stand by myself, not in this madness, not anymore. I need you, each and everyone of you. I need your help and... Just your company with me"

"Hyung, we _are_ with you"

"I know, but... I don't want you to think..." he falters in his words again, not able to look into Woohyun's eyes. He forces more air inside to quell down the nerves that the little black dot inside him keep tensing. It's awareness, it's recognition, it's realization, of everything that happened, of everything that _could_ have happened. It's the simple idea of what could have happened if he didn't wake up, if his very last memories had been their anger and their distrust, if their last memories of him had been his failure and his rage. The depressing thought that he would have lost everything, everyone, _he_ would have been lost, gone, forgotten and abandoned in so many ways... And he would have left everything broken behind him...

"Sunggyu" Woohyun's voice cuts through his thoughts, and he notices he has to lift his head to look at him, and blink a few times because he can't see well through the hot blur in his eyes, but it makes the retained tears drop one after the other "It's ok"

"But... It's just... Everything's so-" he fights against the pressure in his throat.

"Sunggyu, one thing at the time" the other puts a warm hand on his shoulder "We'll fix everything, but one thing at the time, we have time"

"How do you know that?" he finds himself asking, voice choked and broken, and hating himself for bringing that up.

But Woohyun seems to know him better than he thought "Whatever time we have, we'll make it worth"

There's such certainty in his voice, so much conviction in his eyes, so much firmnes in his hands- "Don't leave me" he blurts out, the little plea echoing in his head with a dispair that roots deep in his heart, an echo that fills him with a sadness he can't understand beyond the fuzzy images that loom at the edges of his mind. Images he's still trying to avoid, because they mean too much and bring too many questions.

"I won't Gyu"

"I need you so much"

"And I need you" Woohyun's voice falters the tiniest bit "It's-"

"I won't waste another chance"

"Sunggyu?"

"I didn't lie to you"

"What are you saying?"

"I really don't want to lose you as my friend, but there's something else-"

"Sunggyu-"

"I know it, Woohyun, I know there is, there was and I shouldn't have-... I have to fix that, I can't-... I-"

"Gyu, it's ok" a hand goes up to his face, warm skin over his tearstained cheeks. He sinks in Woohyun's intense eyes, waiting and watching as the other doubts, falters, decides and backtracks, all in still silence, until he finally blinks a bit of fear away and leans to press the lightest of kisses just on the corner of Sunggyu's trembling lips "One thing at the time" he whispers, a shake of his own jumping on his voice, his hand getting firm and meaningful against his cheek "I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you"

He swallows, grimaces at the tight knot it his troath, and sniffs loudly "You can't..." he hiccups.

"I'm _not_ letting you"

"Don't" he nods blindly through his messy sobs.

There's a wet chuckle, strangled but honest and rich "You know, it was time already"

He sniffs again "For... What?" he asks between little hiccups.

"For you to cry a little" Woohyun smiles at him, and it's so warm and gentle and understanding and just so _Woohyun_.

Sunggyu smiles back, and cries harder.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! :)


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